by Adam Jones

Long ago, I gave up trying to understand the motivations of two-year-olds. By this I mean real two-year-olds, not those who act like it in the work setting, which is a different matter entirely. This thought occurs to me as I watch Charlie, blue blankey tightly clinched between his teeth like a pirate's dagger, run full speed toward the leather ottoman and violently crash into it. He then turns and runs back full speed across the family room and head on into the couch. The self-inflicted toddler tennis match continues for five or six turns before I intercede. I am not sure whether to blame this behavior on too much football or on America's Funniest Home Videos. Nevertheless, at the risk of a concussion (to him, not to me, although he can land quite a blow if he hits an adult on the side of the head), I encourage him to play cars. This allows me to watch the game in peace for about five minutes before Charlie commandeers the cars that Ben, the four-year-old, wants. This episode ends with a hitting, kicking, hair pulling exchange worthy of a fifteen-yard personal foul penalty assessed against Ben. Charlie, though on the receiving end of the violence, is pleased with the outcome. Ben goes to time out and Charlie returns to slamming into the couch at full speed. I should have left well enough alone.

You see, while two-year-olds do have some desire for justice and order.

They love the chaos of randomly banging into things better.

Illinois 28, Ohio State 21

In the immortal words of the great American philosopher Foghorn Leghorn: ""This is gonna cause more confusion than a mouse at a burlesque show."

Here's the deal. The powers that govern college football will be left with, if we are lucky, no less than five one-loss major conference champions. If you hate the BCS and desperately want at least a plus-one playoff, then you, my friend, have come to the right store. Because in a season where Appalachian State can beat Michigan and Stanford can beat USC, a season where Notre Dame might lose ten football games and Mark Richt drives his team to intentional bad behavior, a season where LSU plays the SEC Game of the Decade four weeks in a row and Kansas wins ten games after NEVER accomplishing such a feat in the entire 20^th Century, a season where we say goodbye to the Orange Bowl and send the old girl out with a 48-0 dismantling of the Miami Hurricanes by Virginia (Virginia?). After all that, now I have seen everything. For yesterday, readers...

Ron Zook out coached Jim Tressel.

Well, Juice Williams did anyway. It was the Illini's delicious sophomore QB who convinced Zook to go for it on a fourth and a half-yard in his own territory. Juice delivered. Then Williams delivered three more times with crucial third-down conversion runs and the visitors from the Land of Lincoln out-Tresseled Tressel, draining the final eight minutes from the clock and going home winners.

You gotta give it up for Illinois. Oh, and while we are at it, could someone tell Lou Holtz that the final "s" is silent.

I decided during the week that I would no longer punish Michigan for the loss to Appalachian State. Beginning today, I have decided to punish Michigan for a 37-21 loss to an inconsistent Wisconsin squad (although I did enjoy Mario Manningham's 97-yard touchdown). Michigan and Ohio State will still play for the Big Ten title next week, but the game will no longer be part of the underground tournament to determine the national champ.

No one enjoyed the Big Ten implosion more than Oregon, who wisely took the day off, and LSU, who somehow managed to schedule a November scrimmage against Louisiana Tech with Jacob Hester scoring an 87-yard touchdown in the 58-10 whitewash. I don't think I have ever seen Hester run any play in which he did not have the bayou bejabbers beaten out of him while picking up a crucial first down.

In SEC games that actually mattered, South Carolina had no answer for Tim Tebow, who completely dismantled the Gamecocks' defense and followed up his seven touchdown performance by taking Steve Spurrier out to the golf course and beating him three and two in match play. Gators 51, Roosters 31.

Georgia donned black jerseys and strummed Auburn 45-20. What in the hell has gotten into Mark Richt? First of all, nobody strums Auburn. Auburn may lose 12-9 and look bad doing it, but they do not get beaten 45-20. Second, black jerseys? Maybe Reverend Richt is actually bringing the rapture with him. I may have to keep a look out for frogs in the street and an increase in the locust population.

Tennessee defeated Arkansas by a bunch, try 34-13 and it was never close. Remember my theory that Houston Nutt coaches in a three-year cycle: genius, half-wit, borderline retarded? He showed signs of breaking out of the half-wit year last weekend, but apparently that was an anomaly born of a South Carolina defense getting worse by the second and unable to tackle Darren McFadden. The Vols tackled just fine and seemed at times to score at will.

Alabama handled their emotional hangover from last week predictably and dropped one to Mississippi State 17-12. To be fair, the whole game turned on one play. Driving deep into MSU territory, John Parker Ethan Allen Patrick Henry Wilson was under pressure and, in an attempt to throw the ball away, made a connection in the other direction leaving Nick Saban yelling some choice interjections as Bulldog Anthony Johnson recorded a 100-yard interception return.

Get this, Mississippi State is bowl eligible.

Vanderbilt is not. The Commodores can't quite close the deal as Kentucky survives their trip to Nashville 27-20. The Wildcats have an outside shot at the SEC title game, which will probably disappear next week since they travel to Georgia and Mark Richt will likely have Andre Woodson kidnapped and deported to a Siberian work camp.

Assuming they would be an afterthought by now, I have completely ignored Clemson. The Tigers are on a major roll and ripped Wake Forest 44-10. The ACC has a perfect little tournament set up. Clemson will play Boston College next week for one spot in the ACC title game (BC slipped a game in the standings with a 42-35 stinker against Maryland on Saturday).

In the other "semi-final" Virginia will face Virginia Tech in the last week of the season. Va Tech embarrassed Florida State 40-21 and has QB Tyrod Taylor back from injury. What world are we living in when the two Virginia teams beat Miami and FSU by a combined 67 points on the same day?

In the Big 12, Kansas remained undefeated by surviving a pretty good scrape at Oklahoma State, 43-28. The Jayhawks are the last undefeated BCS conference team. This is their first 10-0 start since 1899. As I mentioned in the prologue, that means that the Jayhawks went the entire 20^th Century without accomplishing such a feat.

Texas and Texas Tech played another boring grind-it-out affair. The Longhorns recorded one of the more improbable 9-2 records in their history with a 59-43 victory by figuring out that stopping a team from running the football is about as easy for Tech's defense as stopping a West Texas tornado with its sights set on a mobile home park.

Mizzou survived a pretty game effort from Texas A&M, pulling away late for a 40-26 victory and keeping the press credentials rolling in for the epic November 24^th game against the Jayhawks at Arrowhead Stadium. The winner goes to the Big 12 title game to play...

Oklahoma (probably), who beat Baylor 52-21. The Sooners came out completely focused in the second half after being pretty sloppy in the secondary in the first two frames.

West Virginia seemed to be in control of their Thursday night game against Louisville, leading 31-17 before Brian Brohm got a call from his agent reminding him that NFL scouts were probably watching. The Cardinal QB responding with a furious rally that only ceased when his Mountaineer counterpart Pat White went 50 yards on the ground for the game-winner. Riding down the road White had the feeling that he should have been home yesterday...yesterdaaaaaay....38-31, West Virginia.

Navy 74, North Texas 62. That's a football score. I mention this only because the head man at North Texas is a mad scientist Texas high school coaching legend named Todd Dodge who went 79-1 over the past five seasons at Southlake Carroll High School. Naysayers did not believe that Dodge could easily adapt his spread offense to the college game. They are apparently wrong on that count. Whether his defense will make North Texas anything more than a freakish circus sideshow remains to be seen.

Most underrated team in the country? How about Cincinnati? The Bearcats ripped UConn 27-3 to go to 8-2. Next up: West Virginia.

Boise State 52, Utah State 0

Hawaii 37, Fresno State 30

Notre Dame lost to another service academy while you were out. Air Force 41, Irish 24.

Arizona State survived a challenge from UCLA to win 24-20 at the Rose Bowl. The Sun Devils have a shot at a return trip. On the other end of California, USC took down Cal 24-17 in a miserable rain storm. The Trojans and Sun Devils will play what will likely be a very entertaining game on Thanksgiving night. Not only that, but people will actually be able to see it without taking Vivarin.

Washington is now the best 3-7 team in the nation after a 27-23 loss to Oregon State.

Impressive Showing of the Week: It should be Illinois. Problem is I was more impressed with both Georgia and Clemson.

Now I have no clue what to do. Rather than go by resume, who deserves what or a pure power poll, what follows is how I would seed an eight-team tournament, in order of teams most likely, in my opinion, to win out under such a scenario. Everyone get it? Let's begin. I will not cheat by creating ties or by playing the foolproof "insert random SEC team here" card.

1. Oregon: I think the Ducks would beat LSU four times out of seven.

2. LSU: But not by much, if the BCS ends up with an LSU/Oregon title game, then I believe the best two teams would be playing.

3. West Virginia: The Mountaineers have a puncher's chance of beating anyone just because of the sheer number of weapons available to them. Will the defense hold up?

4. Georgia: Looking at the way the schedule plays out, a two-loss team could actually play in the BCS title game. If that happens, the most likely candidate is a potential SEC champ Georgia squad. Seriously, can you imagine the carnage if we get to the point where we are arguing the merits of two loss teams? Had Knowshon Moreno emerged earlier, the Bulldogs might be in the BCS top three right now.

5. Oklahoma: My hunch is that the Sooners win out and defeat the Kansas/Missouri winner in the Big 12 title game. The other possibility is that they get upset in the bedlam game by Oklahoma State.

6. Ohio State: They will be kicking themselves for losing to Illinois. I think the Buckeyes still are very solid and have a great defense, but the speed players for Illinois probably reminded people across the country a little uncomfortably about last year's national title game.

7. Missouri: I think the Tigers will beat Kansas, for what it is worth.

8. Virginia Tech: Now the Hokies have got it going. Unfortunately, they are a little late.

I left out Kansas, probably unfairly, because I think they will lose to Missouri and I also think there are a number of teams better than Missouri. Is this because of Kansas's lousy football reputation? Maybe I am biased on that point, but it also may be because of KU's awful non-conference schedule and the fact that they missed both Texas and Oklahoma on the Big 12 schedule this year. I can already feel the hate mail.

None of my great eight would be at all interested in playing Florida or, for that matter, Clemson. Both of these squads could win any given winner-take-all contest. I still don't know what to make of Texas and I have watched almost every snap for ten weeks now.

If you want to take your mind off of all this mess, I highly recommend a great football book,  Twelve Mighty Orphans by Jim Dent. You can get it here:

http://www.amazon.com/Twelve-Mighty-Orphans-Inspiring-Football/dp/0312308728/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t.

 

Copyright 2007 Adam Jones

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