by Adam Jones

My friend Blake O'Brien has played a lot of cards in his life. His sublime term for being dealt a bad gin hand is to be served a "shark sandwich." The etymology can be traced to This is Spinal Tap, if you are interested. In Blake's case, "shark" as descriptor may have come about because of a cocktail-induced mangling of a more familiar and less family-friendly term beginning with the sh- sound.  In any case, picking up ten cards with no pairs and no same-suit sequences is the perfect shark sandwich.

In the Southeastern Conference, the Vanderbilt Commodores have been dealt perhaps the biggest shark sandwich in college football history. Surrounded by the most powerful and rabid football programs in the nation, Vandy is a relatively small and academically rigorous private school. There are other programs in the same boat, but none with the disadvantage of being in the SEC. Northwestern, for example, has had Indiana and Minnesota on the schedule for most of their history. Stanford has always had Cal, who until very recently had just as bad a football pedigree. Baylor gets Iowa State and, in most years, Kansas, to occasionally kick around; Wake Forest and Duke have always had each other. Vanderbilt, however, stands alone as a valedictorian-stocked vanguard against the ravaging hordes of the SEC. What's worse is that the student body typically cares more about who is playing at the Exit/Inn on any given Saturday than about who the Commodores have on the schedule. I know this. I married a Commodore (no doubt I have greatly compromised the Vanderbilt Thetas' reputation for marrying well; I have already sent a note of apology to the national office). Vanderbilt doesn't even have an athletic department. Compare this attitude to some of the other SEC bottom dwellers like Ole Miss, who fired David Cutcliffe for the sin of actually making them competitive and taking the Rebels to three bowl games in four years. Hell, Mississippi State actually hired Jackie Sherrill once. South Carolina, for all of their historical mediocrity, sells out an 80,000 seat stadium every Saturday and managed to convince both Lou Holtz and then Steve Spurrier to come to Columbia to try and guide them to the promised land.

Spurrier got the Gamecocks close, leading them to a number six national ranking this week.

Vanderbilt 17, South Carolina 6

You want mayonnaise on that, Coach?

I am almost to the point of the season where I am going to only watch the SEC schedule and read about the rest of the games in the Sunday paper. This week, that would have meant I watched not only the Vanderbilt upset, where the Commodores jumped out early and the South Carolina offense finally broke down after living dangerously all season, but also LSU earn a paper-thin win over Auburn on a last play touchdown pass from Matt Flynn to Demetrius Byrd. Funny thing is, all LSU needed to win was a field goal and the Tigers were already within range. Screw it, we'll take the touchdown, says Les Miles, who now must be considered not only socially awkward and of questionable strategic mind, but certifiably insane. That would explain a lot.

Perhaps the best offensive display of the year occurred in Lexington where Florida eventually proved too much for Andre Woodson and Kentucky to overcome. The Gators won a very entertaining 45-37 track meet behind some pretty astonishing play by Tim Tebow.

I've noticed that, on play action, Tebow now rocks forward with his left (throwing) shoulder and plants his left foot hard before retreating back into the pocket. I swear it looks like he has been watching the Kevin McHale Low Post Moves for Beginners video. That may also be where he learned the jump pass.

Alabama thrashed Tennessee 41-17 behind great offensive performances by John Parker Brown Williams Smith Jackson Johnson Washington Wilson and receiver D.J. Hall. Nick Saban started the game with a successful onsides kick, meaning he was either trying to build confidence and set a tone for his Crimson Tide, or perhaps he is simply a jackass. Perhaps both. So, is this the first signature win for the Saban administration? Or could my 12-year-old's flag football squad have also given the Volunteers trouble away from Neyland?

Last year, I asserted that the Wrangler Five Star Denim ads were the gayest thing I had ever seen on television (they made "Will and Grace" look like an episode of "Law and Order"). This year the people at Wrangler have outdone themselves. Look, fellas, if I really wanted to fawn over Brett Favre, then I would place a foam-rubber cheddar wedge on my head, start eating brats for breakfast, wash them down with Heileman's Old Style and give up college football entirely to watch a bunch of corporate drones do their best to give each other concussions every Sunday afternoon. And I wouldn't do it wearing Wrangler jeans.   

Speaking of Heileman's Old Style, Ohio State remained undefeated with a 24-17 win over Michigan State. The Buckeyes raced out to a 24-0 lead and then got bored and sloppy on offense. In a short third-quarter span, the Spartans scored on an interception return and a fumble return. The Buckeye running game finally closed the game out behind 221 yards by Beanie Wells.

Oregon seems to just roll out of bed and score 50. The Ducks beat Washington, 55-34 behind Jonathan Stewart's ridiculous 251 yards rushing. They look a fair amount like the 2005 Texas Longhorns, with Dennis Dixon in the Vince Young role. Washington actually hung around longer and played better than the final score indicated. If there is any approbation in being the nation's best 2-5 team, then the Washington Huskies may feel free to claim it.

UCLA just flat gut-punched the Cal Golden Bears. With the Bruins leading 23-21, Cal was driving for the potential game-winning field goal when UCLA's Alterraun Verner picked off Nate Longshore and took it 76 yards to preserve a 30-21 win. UCLA is undefeated in the Pac Ten.

And Michigan is undefeated in the Big Ten after a 27-17 win over Illinois. Michigan and UCLA? Has there ever been a Rose Bowl between two teams who were more embarrassed in the early season than these two were? It would certainly fit how the rest of this year has gone.

Minnesota lost to something called North Dakota State. Are you guys missing Glen Mason yet?

USC throttled Notre Dame in one of the more meaningless games in that rivalry's history. Meanwhile, Miami outlasted Florida State 37-29 in the first game in 30 years when neither team was ranked. Let that sink in.

Texas did just about all it could do to lose to Baylor, but some things in the Big 12 simply are not possible. The Longhorns prevailed 31-10 with Marcus Griffin providing a late 90-yard pick six to establish the Artificial Voter Margin.

Artificial Voter Margin (AVM) henceforth shall describe all late points tacked on by a ranked team playing poorly against an overmatched opponent when said points can be reasonably assumed to placate any voter in the Harris or USA Today poll who did not take the time to actually watch the game. In other words, the Texas score should actually read: Texas 24, Baylor 10 (AVM = Texas +7).

As bad as Texas played, Oklahoma was worse. The Sooners needed an end-zone interception against conference doormat Iowa State to maintain a late 14-7 lead and burn the clock out. The Sooners tacked on a field goal at the end to make it: Oklahoma 14, Iowa State 7 (AVM = Oklahoma +3).

I will continue to develop this concept as the season progresses.

Usually Fox Sports Southwest gives the viewer a decent Big 12 match-up in the early evening slot followed by a middle-of-the-road Pac Ten or Mountain West game. Maybe not great, but at least pretty good football. This Saturday they gave me Texas State versus Stephen F. Austin followed by the latest installment of the Fashionably Dressed Student Section Bowl, featuring Tulane against Southern Money. These four teams are a combined 3-21. Why am I paying Time Warner Cable again?

The dream season for Kansas continues. Again the Jayhawks went on the road in a tough environment and, again, they came home still undefeated. Kansas 19, Colorado 14.

Mizzou dismantled Texas Tech 41-10. The Red Raiders looked out of synch all afternoon against the Tiger defense. This is going to be one hell of a Kansas-Missouri game.

West Virginia started the game with a Pat White touchdown run and everything pretty much went right from there in a 38-13 pasting of Mississippi State, which had shown some signs of life this year. The Mountaineers are creeping back into the picture.

Cincinnati suffered an embarrassing loss to Pittsburgh, 24-17. The Bearcats season really has come crashing back to Earth in the last two weeks.

On Thursday night, South Florida gave up the ghost in an ugly second-half display against Rutgers, who won it 30-27. The Scarlet Knights sacked USF's Matt Grothe seven times. I didn't realize that Matt Grothe was a midget; the program says six feet, but I am not sure I buy that.

Has anyone noticed that Virginia is 7-1? I hadn't, but the Cavs continue to close out tight games, this week against Maryland. Howie Long's kid, Chris, plays defensive end for UVa and basically destroys anything that moves.

The best option in the face of the season of upsets is simply not to play. Virginia Tech, Boston College, Arizona State and Georgia all went that route. BC plays Virginia Tech this Thursday. Something has got to give.

Impressive Showing of the Week: Vanderbilt

1. Ohio State: I took a fair amount of guff from the readers for ranking Ohio State number one last week. Most complaints were variations on the theme of the Buckeyes not having earned anything. Well. This forum is not about who has the best resume-the Buckeyes do not. This forum is my opinion of who the best college football team in the country is. Right now, my litmus test is LSU. I think Ohio State's defense is a better match-up against the Tiger's offense than the LSU defense is against the Ohio State offense. Make sense? If the two were paired on a neutral field tomorrow, LSU would be favored. And I would bet the Buckeyes.

2. LSU: There is some feeling that this is the team of the year in college football and I am inclined to agree. If LSU finishes out the season unscathed, including the SEC title game, then they clearly will deserve the BCS championship slot. This assumes Arizona State doesn't run the table in the Pac Ten, which I don't think will happen.

3. Oregon: The defense could be better, but no one this side of Florida is more explosive.

4. Florida: Oh, there you are. I was just talking about you.

5. Boston College: Undefeated BC behind two loss Florida? Yep. Although I think BC will lose to Virginia Tech on Thursday, which will make me feel less guilty.

6. Arizona State: The Sun Devils host Cal this Saturday. This will tell us much about Dennis Erickson's crew.

7. Oklahoma: Perhaps their afternoon at Iowa State was just one of those games.

8. Kentucky: They can't drop too far. The Wildcats have flat played LSU and Florida right off their heels in the past two weeks. I don't need to remind you (but I will) that Kentucky was the JTT supersecret darkhorse national title contender for 2007.

9. Missouri:  Thrashing Texas Tech was impressive. I rate the Tigers a shade better than Kansas.

10. South Florida: Barely edge out West Virginia for the ten spot based on their head-to-head meeting.

I can't wait to see what happens next.

 

Copyright 2007 Adam Jones

http://www.jonestopten.com/ is brought to you by the good people of Quicksilver Internet Solutions, who love Steve Spurrier even when he loses to Vanderbilt. They make the Internet your domain at http://www.quicksilveris.com/.