by Adam Jones 

One of the great mysteries of life concerns the American habit of drinking Miller Lite by the millions of gallons while its patriarch, Miller High Life, the champagne of beers in the clear glass bottle, sits like a lonely wallflower untouched on the convenience store shelf. Have we really evolved to the point as a people where we believe abstaining from full-strength 12 ouncers will result in ourselves remaining flat-bellied and robust advertisements for a successful and content life—our inalienable rights expanded to include not only life and liberty but the pursuit of the magic capitalist elixir that remains, somehow, both great tasting and, yes, less filling? Surely we  are devolving.

I can still recall the golden age of the Quix convenience store on San Jacinto Street where for 2.79 one could adopt a clear-bottled sextuplet of High Life, bonded together as family by thin cardboard and a convenient carrying handle. Quix was just up the street from the Posse East, which, for my money, is the greatest sports bar in America, an opinion most likely biased by the many hours I spent there as an undergrad to avoid the tedious prospect of making myself a better citizen. The Posse sits right up the street from Darrell K. Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium, which the Texas partisans have thankfully shortened to “DKR.” During 18 months of personal growth and reflection—as a real live adult mind you—I occupied 900 square feet in a condo across from the Posse. Evenings in the condo sometimes required a Miller High Life, usually paired with ESPN, a sandwich and some Zapp’s Cajun Crawtators, which many LSU fans would argue are God’s gift to potato chips (don’t argue with an LSU fan about this, just open another cold something and hand it to him or her). Some nights, Zach and I would go across the street to Double Dave’s Pizza to shoot pool and discuss life. He was five. I didn’t teach him how point spreads worked until he was a much more mature six.

The best part was that on a half-dozen Saturdays I could stand on my condo porch and drink coffee as the neighborhood slowly filled up with cars, parked at times with a creative vision that would make Jackson Pollock blush. I once watched what must have been an entire Delt pledge class move an industrial construction-grade trash dumpster 18 inches to accommodate a Chevy Suburban. Grills would fire up, the Greeks would pair up, and the Posse would fill up and overflow into the intersection at Duval and San Jac. The din was a thousand conversations about legends past and future, interrupted only by the constant cadence of glass on glass collisions in a plastic trash bin. Over the hill on Dean Keeton, just past the law school, the Longhorn band would tune up and practice, right about the time I finished my coffee. Musicians always have great timing.

Game day. I can go back anytime I want. So can you. Go out in your back yard, close your eyes and open a Miller High Life. Whoever you are, wherever your guys play, college football is in the air.

And don’t get me started about Michelob Ultra.

Welcome back, friends, to lucky season 13 of the Jones Top Ten, the truth about college football since 1995.

This year’s promise from your faithful author is that there will be no complaining about college football. OK, unless the NCAA does something really idiotic—and it has to be idiotic by their own lofty standards. You know, like taking away Jeremy Bloom’s eligibility idiotic, something on that scale. Otherwise, I’ve got no complaints, not even about the BCS. Because after a summer of blood-doping, steroid-abusing, game-fixing, dog-killing, match-throwing, bull-baiting, horse-thieving, cattle-rustling madness in the sports world, I desperately need college football. Now I am not about to pretend that college football represents some platonic ideal along the line of Chariots of Fire or whatever inspiring human interest story was last seen on Oprah. After all, I was raised in Texas and if the Southwest Conference didn’t invent the hundred-dollar handshake, then it at least raised the denominations of it right up to the point that an embarrassed NCAA had to boot Southern Money University’s ass right off of the playing field. Nevertheless, we are all faithful to the one game that the world can’t screw up. And it’s finally here. Again.

Here are my ten best—not how I think they will finish because the schedule sets up for them, this is my objective look at who puts the best product on the field. It all starts with…

1. USC: You know that I don’t really want to put them here. Everyone else has already done so and I pride myself on being a contrarian (or an iconoclast, I can never remember which…). Some things in life can’t be helped. You know the old coach’s saying: “You win more games with Jimmies and Joes than with X’s and O’s?” Southern Cal has Jimmies and Joes out the bohunkus. They simply put—by a very wide margin—more quality players on the field at more positions than any other team in football. Add to that a coach that won’t screw this up and you have the nation’s number one. On a side note, the player in the country who plays his position better than anyone else is the boring Trojan left tackle, Sam Baker. For this, Mr. Baker will receive exactly zero votes for the Heisman Trophy.

2. LSU: The Tigers are oh so close; the two AP voters who voted them number one have a legitimate argument. As I mentioned above, LSU is not as deep as USC (for example, they merely have two high school All-American tailbacks, as opposed to USC’s nine, oh wait, eight, Emmanuel Moody just transferred), but their front line players are just as good. Especially good is the defense led by the man child defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey, who enjoys sunsets, walks along the beach, macramé and killing wild javelinas with his bare hands.

3. Louisville: No, really, a Big East team is number three. The offense starts with the best quarterback in the nation, Brian Brohm, and the best starting wideouts, the accounting firm of Douglas and Urrutia. The defense is better than you think. Could the Cardinals compete day in and day out in the SEC? Actually, I think they could and I will be happy to join the argument, especially since outside of Gainesville no one in the SEC runs an offense much more complicated than Vince Dooley’s haircut. That said Kentucky could make things very interesting for the Cards on September 15^th. That contest will tell us much about Louisville as contender versus pretender.    

4. Oklahoma: Oh yeah, Oklahoma. Great offensive line, very good skill position players and a pretty nasty defensive eleven. All Lord Voldemort needs is a decent quarterback and he is good to go. On that score, I would note that OU has won with much worse signal callers than newly-installed Sam Bradford (anyone remember Nate Hybl? For that matter, I’ve seen interior decorators with better physical skills than Jason White). These guys will not be an easy out.  

5. West Virginia: No, really, a Big East team is number five. The offense starts with the most gifted quarterback in the nation, Pat White, and the best backfield combination, the accounting firm of Slaton and Schmitt. The defense is better than you think…wait a second, am I repeating myself?  

6. Texas: My objectivity about the Longhorns ended when I was eight. Now that I have reached forty, I have come full circle and have given up being optimistic about them, which is fine since they have enjoyed a free pass from me since the Rose Bowl 20 months ago. The AP voters see the fourth-best team in the nation with a brilliant sophomore quarterback and an astounding collection of athletes on both sides of the ball. I see a team with paper-thin depth on the offensive line and few proven players in the back seven. We are actually both correct.

7. Penn State: Well, I have to go off the deep end at some point. I can’t help but think that the Nittany Lions are the best team in the Big Ten. Remember all those precocious freshmen with single-digit numbers who reinvigorated JoePa’s program two years ago? Williams, Butler and King are all juniors now. If Anthony Morelli can at least do a passable Todd Blackledge (and the offensive line can keep him upright more often than not), then this squad is pretty complete.

8. Florida: The Gators simply are not going to fall as far as people think. Last year’s national title was a confluence of a few breaks (the Gators won a ton of games that could have gone the other way) and a remarkable defense that came together for a performance for the ages in the BCS Championship Game. This year’s defense replaces nine, count ‘em, nine starters, but, like Ohio State last year, there are a number of players ready for prime time and an entire colony of nasty young defensive linemen awaiting their turn to sack Troy Smith, check that, Matt Flynn. The offense will be better this year than it was in 2006. Scary.

9. Virginia Tech: Outside of a few PETA activists, the hearts of the nation will be with this Hokie football team. Tech is very good, but my guess is they will start the season with an ugly loss at LSU in a game that will not really be a true reflection of Tech’s ability. Leaving Louisiana, this team should get better and better as the season progresses, as long as their offense doesn’t let them down and they avoid the famous Beamer November Swoon. Best in the ACC? Yes. National Title contender? I doubt it.  

10. Ohio State: You have to give some teams the benefit of the doubt. Ohio State under Jim Tressel is one of those teams. This Ohio State squad is, quite frankly, underrated because of a lack of receiver and quarterback talent, never mind the offensive line is full of maulers and the defense will be terrific, led by Vernon Gholston, who will be the equal of any defensive end in the country when all is said and done. The Buckeyes will start a giant Germanic quarterback, either Boeckman or Schoenhoft, who will at the very least be the athletic equal of Craig Krenzel. That’s likely all they will need to stay in the top ten.

This is Spinal Tap (going to eleven): Florida State keeps rolling around in my head. Can a competent coaching staff turn this squad around? Probably. Can they do it in one year? I don’t know. One spot removed from the top ten seems about right for this collection of heretofore poorly-coached athletic marvels.  

Where’s Michigan? Let’s just say I have more faith in Florida’s defensive replacements than in Big Blue’s. Not only that, but their offense at times is less than the sum of some pretty solid parts (how old is Chad Henne anyway?). Would you like to guess how many points per game the Wolverines scored last year? 35? 38? Try 29. The Wolverines might make me look foolish, but they just seem so 9-3 to me.

Wisconsin was the tougher Big Ten Plus One squad to leave out of the top ten. The Badgers have a chance to be great. By the way, they are not slower than a three-legged Bassett Hound just because they play in a state known for dairy products and bratwurst and have linemen named Vanden Huevel. Can we put that myth to rest?

Other teams that could squeeze into the top ten include Georgia and South Carolina, both of which could win the SEC with a couple of breaks. Texas A&M fields a senior-laden squad with one last chance to salvage Dennis Franchione’s somewhat undeserved reputation as a turnaround artist. UCLA was my choice for most underrated at the start of the season, but then the AP voters up and ranked them 14. If UCLA isn’t up to it, then California may be the closest squad to USC in the Pac Ten. Nebraska will easily win the Big 12 North and the Cornhuskers have the talent to really screw up the Big 12 Championship game for Texas or Oklahoma. Hawaii will finish undefeated with a team that couldn’t come within two touchdowns of Louisville or West Virginia. Of course, I said the same thing last year just before Boise State ruined Oklahoma’s day in the Fiesta Bowl, so what do I know? For my money, TCU is the best of the (insert inoffensive term for mid-major non-BCS conference here, management thanks you).

Teams that fare well in the conventional wisdom contest, but that I dislike anyway include Missouri. But I can’t decide if Gary Pinkel’s Tigers will fold in the home opener against Illinois, or if they will wait until October 27^th and be shockingly upset hosting Iowa State. Arkansas should be very good, except the Houston Nutt Rule adheres to a strict three-year cycle of brilliant strategist/half-wit/borderline retarded and this is a half-wit year. The Hogs also lost Marcus Monk for the at least the beginning of the season, which makes me wonder if they can devise a play where Darren McFadden actually completes a pass to himself. Notre Dame shouldn’t even be in the category. The conventional wisdom holds that the Irish are not very good. Coach Weis desperately needs another recruiting class. I never have liked Arizona State and I still don’t.

My surprise teams include Alabama at the top of the list followed closely by Oregon. South Florida is better than most casual observers think, but that is no longer a secret in the college football world. Ditto Rutgers, who will prove to be more than a one-year wonder. Georgia Tech is underappreciated and they will win their opener at Notre Dame. Oklahoma State and Texas Tech will form a great one-two punch as the designated pain-in-the-ass opponents from the Big 12. Do not take them lightly.

The middle of the SEC is about as dangerous as Mark Mangino riding in coach. I have never written this far in a season preview without mentioning either Auburn or Tennessee. I find it very hard to imagine that both of these stalwarts will have down years. Vanderbilt will also cause nightmares for the unprepared ranked opponent, although at this point you would guess that the Commodores at least have Florida’s attention.

Clemson’s tailbacks are dangerously fast. Boston College will silently sit under the radar right up to the point they rise up and thwack someone like Florida State when no one is looking.

If anyone has a clue about Miami please e-mail me.

BYU and Memphis may get some mention in this space from time to time and a resurgence from Iowa would not surprise me.

The supersecret JTT dark horse of the year is ridden by the Kentucky Wildcats, quarterbacked by a freak of nature named Andre’ Woodson.

Darren McFadden was so hyped for the Heisman early in the season that he now appears to have fallen out of favor. I am sticking with him to close the deal. Brian Brohm will sit next to him, Steve Slaton will steal Pat White’s invitation, John David Booty will take the ex-officio slot reserved for the USC starting quarterback and Colt Brennan will throw 61 touchdowns and sit next to Booty.

Omar Haugabook will finish a distant 17^th.

Copyright 2007 Adam Jones

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