by Adam Jones

Tensions are high as an argument breaks out among friends. The controversy is this: How do you contest overtime in Mattel's PRO CLASSIC 2, the early 1980's handheld electronic football game? They finally come to terms on alternating possessions and the plastic box is fired up to settle things on the "field." T.O. (no, not that one) purchased the game for two bucks at a used toy store and dropped it on the table at the bar. He might as well have thrown out several dozen bottle rockets and a cigarette lighter to a pack of ravenous 12 year-olds as to tempt a bunch of 30 and 40-something men with this perfect relic of our youth. Generation X-Box would eye us as a goat eyes a new gate if we were to try and convince them that these tiny red dashes conjured to us Montana to Rice or Walter Payton flying down the sideline. They are accustomed to fully animated and lifelike digital replicas of their heroes in full color and controlled with a flip of the thumb. Progress isn't all that it is cracked up to be (I ponder this while watching the game on the Boulevard Grill's 52-inch high definition screen). It seems like our games used to require a little more imagination.

Florida 41, Ohio State 14

Florida's imaginative offense must drive sane defensive coordinators to complete distraction. To whit, any time the quarterback goes in motion as a regular part of your attack, then you are likely not bound by conventional football wisdom. When the Gator O clicks-not always the case this season-it's the most fascinating viewing this side of Darren McFadden playing multiple positions on offense and defense while smoking a brisket and solving Rubix Cube on the sideline. The Gators clicked last night and the sometimes maligned Chris Leak was nearly flawless in the first half, a 34-14 runaway that had our crowd reaching for vintage electronic games and the one Gator fan among us donning a bright orange jumpsuit in celebration (What do the cops do if they pull over a man in a bright orange jumpsuit? Returning him to county lock-up would make the most sense...).

But the Gator offense was not the story. The defense, in what was the finest final game performance since Oklahoma's 13-2 whitewash of supposedly potent FSU in 2000, completely shut down Troy Smith with relentless pressure. Smith was shaky, but the blame can hardly be placed on the Heisman winner. One of the limitations of television is that you cannot see the entire field, but if you check the game tape tomorrow, you will likely find that Troy Smith had nowhere to go with the football. Not a single member of the vaunted Buckeye skill position corps made a big play against the Gators, save for Ted Ginn's beautiful 93-yard TD on the opening kickoff. Ginn left early on a bad wheel and the Gators overwhelmed his offensive teammates, often with a simple four man pass rush.

The Florida Gators are now the champs on gridiron and hardwood; ah what all of us would give to have such a year. The scary part is both reptile squads might well do it again. We shall see. ?

After bringing in 2007 in Guatemala, I safely made it home having avoided both typhoid and eye injury from any number of exploding projectiles randomly tossed around the streets on the strike of midnight. It's one hell of a country and I highly recommend it. I returned to find the bowl season still intact (I thought maybe they would create a playoff while I wasn't looking) and my record remarkably broke above .500, going 12-11 for the season-could have been 16-7 had the Pac Ten replay officials blown a few more calls.? ???

It's a strange experience to be in a foreign country during bowl season. It occurred to me I didn't miss a whole lot. If any Guatemalan had asked me: "What are they playing for?" It would require a simple one word response: nada. I saw exactly one play of any relevance during my stay, a crucial Navy fumble that ended up costing the Middies the Meineke Car Care Bowl (and free mufflers for life). I heard the Spanish telecast on ESPN and when the ball popped loose, the announcer screamed "La Pelota La Pelota LA PELOTA!!!!!!!!!!!" Keith Jackson couldn't have done it better. I am without question going to incorporate the "la pelota" line into my own repertoire of manic living room outbursts next season. The family will love it.

Other than that, and since you have all already read the box scores and seen the highlights over this multi-week exhibition cavalcade of student-athlete feats of strength and speed, here are my few thoughts of significance.?

Do we really have to endure pre-game special interest features on Notre Dame when the first post-Katrina Sugar Bowl is being played with Louisiana State U as the host team? Especially considering a) the Bayou Bengals are the far superior team and b) they proved it repeatedly by torching a Notre Dame squad that ain't exactly "fleet of foot" regardless of what the recruiting services tell you about their 40 times. My only questions at evening's end concerned whether or not JaMarcus Russell could bench press Charlie Weis (I'd bet yes) and if Terry Bradshaw could have taken any more shots to the head as an NFL quarterback (unlikely). God I hope Bradshaw makes college football a regular gig. I'll trade Paul Maguire for him straight up.

Wisconsin really was fast enough to contain Arkansas, one of the few prescient things I said back in December.

So Bob Stoops lost a game on a hook and lateral followed by the old Statue of Liberty play? That must have been a fun plane ride home for the Sooners, 44-43 Fiesta losers to giant-killing Boise State in perhaps the most entertaining bowl game of the millennium.

USC went off for 16 third quarter points and ran away from Michigan for a 32-18 Rose Bowl win. A balanced defensive game plan for Michigan apparently consists of finding ways for Dwayne Jarrett AND Steve Smith to run wild through their porous secondary.

A Hawaii receiver named Jason Rivers had 308 receiving yards as the Rainbow Warriors scored 38 second-half points to take down Arizona State, 41-24.

Kentucky 28, Clemson 20. Doh! I knew never to trust Clemson in a bowl game. Stupid Clemson. ?

Wake Forest's Jon Abbatte is this year's JTT Underappreciated Player of the Year. But Abbatte and his mates, despite guts and heart, couldn't contain Louisville's firepower and finally broke in the third quarter in a 24-13 Orange Bowl loss, after which Cardinal coach Bobby Petrino headed to the Atlanta Falcons, where Michael Vick may well swish him around and spit him out like year-old Scope.

One reader noted that of my underappreciated player nominees, Rutgers' Brian Leonard should be disqualified because he is actually already famous for being underappreciated. Fair enough; I also disqualified Justin Leonard for good measure, since he plays professional golf. Rutgers, for their part, blew out Kansas State 37-10 in the inaugural Texas Bowl seen ostensibly on the NFL Network, which is ubiquitously accessible in at least three major U.S. cities.

If you really want to piss off Mike Riley, just call timeout before his team kicks an extra point. That's what Missouri did late in the Sun Bowl to Oregon State. State had come from 38-24 down in the fourth to within an extra point of forging a 38-38 tie with 22 seconds to go. When Missouri's Gary Pinkel called timeout to make sure the game-tying TD was reviewed, Riley checked his watch and noted his team could still make the last flight out of El Paso, causing him to pull back his PAT team and instead go for two. Oregon State 39, Missouri 38.

California completely dismantled Texas A&M 45-10 in the Holiday Bowl. The Big 12 season was a nightmare almost from start to finish and will be happily forgotten over the spring.

Texas, for their part, did shake off a fair amount of rust to outlast Iowa 26-24 in the Alamo Bowl. I believe the win can best be described by Texans as being "better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

In the Poinsettia Bowl, which took place 127 days ago, TCU routed Northern Illinois by a cool 30 and gave Garrett Wolfe zero room to run. The Horned Frogs will be a major pain in the arse for opponents big and small next year, which will include (yikes) Texas.

If Bobby Bowden knew that firing his own son was the key to putting up 44 points in the Emerald Bowl, he might have done it two years ago. FSU beat UCLA 44-27 in by far the strangest outcome of the bowl season. This one had defensive struggle (or "inept offense" take your pick) tattooed on its forehead.

Miami (the one in Florida with all of the national title trophies and community service hours) nipped Nevada 21-20 on the blue turf to send Larry Coker out a winner, albeit it in a third-tier bowl game against a questionable opponent, but a winner nonetheless.

Avast ye mateys...Texas Tech, God love 'em, came back from a record-breaking 38-7 deficit to beat Minnesota 44-41 in overtime in the Insight Bowl. The affair was followed by an ugly post-game brawl stemming from an argument about whose fans talked funnier.

Georgia surmounted a 21-6 deficit to beat Virginia Tech 31-24 in the PEACH BOWL (damn you, Chik-fil-a), a game in which neither team gained over 200 yards on offense. The Hokies did serve up four turnovers, waffle fries were extra.

Brigham Young predictably destroyed Oregon 38-8 in the Las Vegas Bowl. Phil Knight bought the BYU student body post game drinks at the Mirage.

This just in: Tennessee sleepwalks through a bowl game.

The fans of the Nebraska Cornhuskers, usually a decent and reasonable bunch, may have about decided that Bill Callahan could screw up a one-man rock fight. Auburn 17, Huskers 14.

Pat White, playing with an injured and ineffective Steve Slaton, willed West Virginia to a 38-35 win over Georgia Tech. Down 35-17 he channeled his inner Vince Young with three third-quarter touchdowns to put away the Yellow Jackets. Calvin Johnson was spectacular, as usual, in what was likely his last appearance as a collegian.

Once more, with feeling:

1. Florida

 

2. LSU

 

3. Ohio State

 

4. USC

 

5. Wisconsin

 

6. Louisville

 

7. Boise State

 

8. Michigan

 

9. Auburn

 

10. ?West Virginia and Rutgers

Next year's Heisman Trophy winner will be Darren McFadden of Arkansas, assuming he sticks around.

The national title game will be between the defending champion Gators and USC in the Big Easy.

The 2006 season is in the books and I hope you have enjoyed it. Thanks, as always, for coming along for the ride. While I had no rooting interest last night, I would like to offer my good wishes for the off-season to my favorite Buckeyes, Todd and Barbara Webster and their slew of kids. They have left their beloved Texas behind and returned to Columbus to care for an ailing father. God speed in 2007. ?

My thanks to the good people of Quicksilver Internet Solutions for attaching digital wings to this forum and making it fly.

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