by Adam Jones

A dad can get away with almost anything while holding an infant at a crowded Christmas party. Especially an introverted dad like myself. An infant wards off small talk; people prefer to smile warmly at the baby and keep moving. But the best part is that if you are in the food room no one expects you to politely move through the buffet with a plate. As long as you are feeding the infant a cracker and adhering to the general rules of party eating (no double dipping and if you touch it, you eat it) you can stake out a queso bowl or a boiled shrimp station for hours. Being the expert that I am, I can even manage to make a potato roll and roast beef sandwich with one hand, although I do have to forego the horseradish when holding said child. This grand scheme held me in good stead right up to the point that C tested the limits of its foolproofishness. He exposed my evil plot by wildly swinging his left hand and landing a perfect uppercut on the bottom of a glass half-full of egg nog. Egg nog in flight is pretty spectacular. Huge creamy white droplets infused with Kentucky whiskey and Jamaican rum, perfectly flecked with nutmeg and cinnamon, launch straight up, separate, hang in the air for a brief moment, descend and hit the floor with a rat-a-tat explosive burst like a milk-filled floral shell as the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve.

Just when you think you've got life whipped, somebody creates an unholy mess. Wonder who's going to clean this one up?

UCLA 13, USC 9

Think the Pac Ten is a pansy finesse league? Watch the hitting in this game. Bodies flew everywhere capped by a brutal flying coldcock shot by USC's Rey Maualuga on UCLA quarterback Patrick Cowan. Cowan popped straight up as if he were channeling the spirit of Jay Barker. The hit fired up both benches and for a moment it looked like the whole affair would degenerate into a brawl at midfield-there was nothing L.A. laid-back cool about this one. Order restored, the game came down to one final defensive play as Bruin linebacker Eric McNeal tipped a John David Booty pass, swiveled, found the ball and made a diving interception to start the celebration.

The Rose Bowl exploded, but so did the Georgia Dome. Florida was in the midst of knocking off Arkansas for the SEC title in a 38-28 decision that saw a dizzying array of momentum shifts, half a dozen trick plays and start turns galore as all the big time players made big time plays: Chris Leak, Percy Harvin, Darren McFadden, Marcus Monk, Andre Caldwell, Felix Jones, Reggie Nelson and Razorback defensive end Antwain Robinson, who intercepted a shovel pass and took it 40 yards for a Hog score (uh, not one of Chris Leak's better decisions...). In the end it is Florida who stands to gain from the USC stumble and line up against Ohio State for all the marbles.

Unless it's Michigan. There's a lot to sort out.

Here's what I am thinking. USC has a fine receiver named Steve Smith. Serious college football fans know this very well. Smith is somewhat underrated in the larger context, however, because he plays with an even better teammate named Dwayne Jarrett, a legitimate NFL first-round draft pick. Steve Smith is an NFL prospect himself and he might even go in the late first round, but more likely he will go in the second or third. That means any of the 32 NFL teams could end up with him. Stay with me.

I think the Carolina Panthers should take Steve Smith. Assuming they did, then Smith is a good enough player that he would eventually start for the Panthers. Then the Carolina starting receivers would be Steve Smith and...Steve Smith. The Panthers, you see, already have a perennial Pro Bowl performer named Steve Smith. It would be great to watch fans, and especially announcers, deal with this. The radio guys would have a particularly rough challenge. This happened in the NBA a few years back when Duke's Jason Williams was drafted into a league that already had a point guard named Jason Williams. Since political correctness dictate they not be referred to as the black Jason Williams and the white Jason Williams, Duke's Jason Williams shortened his name to Jay. But the two Jasons were never teammates. In my fantasy world, the Steve Smiths would play the same position for the same team. And how would they be distinguished? I guess one could go with Steven. Or you could go biblical and use Steve Smith the Elder and Steve Smith the Lesser. Middle initials would be right out. That's what I'm thinking.

As for the national title game, by the time you read this it will be all over and it will be Florida. Or Michigan. But it will be Florida.

One thing is very clear. The ossified and peeling conference relic we know as the Big Ten (Eleven) is absolutely crazy for not putting their product on the field all the way through to the end of the season. Tradition be damned, we are talking competitive advantage here. If Ohio State and Michigan don't move their game to the weekend after Thanksgiving and slug it out for our attention with the conference title games, they are out of their minds.

In other games of note, mighty Wake Forest secured their first ACC championship since 1970 in an ugly 9-6 decision over Georgia Tech in a half-empty Alltel Stadium. The Demon Deacons deserve better and will likely get it in an Orange Bowl match-up against Louisville. The Cardinals throttled UConn 48-17 and snuck into the Big East title when West Virginia, without Pat White, but with a kid named Jarrett Brown who is a pretty damned reasonable facsimile, finally overcame Rutgers 41-39 on a two-point conversion in the third overtime period.

Wake in, Rutgers out. I guess the fairy godmother only has so many slippers.

Oklahoma mined a defensive gem in taking out Nebraska 21-7 to win the Big 12. The Cornhuskers went to work with great field position on almost every possession of the second half and the Sooners stoned 'em. Exceptional tackling and the pitch-and-catch combo of Paul Thompson and Malcolm Kelly sealed it for OU, who will travel to the Fiesta and beat, batter and bruise poor Boise State into submission. I am not ragging on Boise State, I think they are a very good football team, but this Oklahoma squad is the worst nightmare this side of LSU for the Blue Field Group.

Navy played bored in the first half but caught fire in the second to outlast Army 26-14. This remarkable group of Academy seniors has gone 8-0 against Army and Air Force and has won 36 games total. That's something.

Oregon State won a wild one in Hawaii 35-32. Do you suppose they lost a few players who decided to just pack it in and live on the beach? Seriously, it's 44 in Corvallis this afternoon.

TCU quietly won its 10^th game of the year in a 38-14 grounding of Air Force. The Horned Frogs will next be seen in the Poinsettia Bowl against Northern Illinois on December 19^th, which is when bowl season begins.

Cal beat Stanford 26-17 and I am sorry but I didn't see any of it. On the other hand, I am not an AP voter, am I?

Impressive Showing of the Week: UCLA

For the record, I believe Florida deserves a shot at Ohio State for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that the one-loss champion of the SEC should hold some sort of tie-breaker over the one-loss runner-up of the Big Ten. However, I have always told you straight up who I think the best ten are at any given moment and they are listed below:

1. Ohio State

2. Michigan

3. LSU

4. Florida

5. USC

6. Oklahoma

7. Arkansas

8. Virginia Tech

 

Not a bad tournament field, huh?

9. Wake Forest

10. Louisville

 

West Virginia and Rutgers can play a few more overtime periods for the honorable mention slot.

JonesTop Ten Curmudgeon Moment of the Week: Can we stop pretending to shoot a jump shot every time we make a great play on the FOOTBALL field? When did this start? This is what happens when you are no longer allowed to taunt and humiliate your opponents the old fashioned way.

Maybe I am just getting old. Drive safe and lay off the egg nog.

Peace.

Copyright 2006

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