by Adam Jones

There was quite a ruckus behind us as I eased the car onto Texas 31 on the way out of Longview. The honking started with a Tahoe and then a pick-up joined the chorus. They were trying to get my attention.

"What's going on back there?"

E looked over her left shoulder puzzled. Clarity came when she shifted in her seat and looked to the right.

"Uhm, honey, you..."

"What?"

"It's the nozzle from the gas pump. It's still attached to the car...along with the hose..."

She was correct. About eight feet of industrial strength rubber tubing was flapping along behind us, trying vainly to break free from its captivity like a trout at the end of a fly rod.

"Oh Jesus." And this was not said in any sort of religious context in a moment of thankfulness.

I guess I should have been thanking the inventor of the safety release bracket on the end of the hose. This allowed me to escape the gas station cleanly without causing a deluge of petroleum behind me. That didn't happen until I went back to the station and tried to re-attach it, spilling excess gas down my wrist.

"Dammit." Again, this was not said in any religious context.

The attendant, an older woman built like a small college linebacker, tried to gauge the depths of my stupidity and asked me if I had tried to stretch the nozzle around to the opposite side of my car while trying to fill up. My inner voice told me to lie, but honesty prevailed.

"No, actually I just drove off with the nozzle still in the car."

She looked at me as if Chevy Chase had just rolled into Chevron with the cast of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I half expected Randy Quaid to come around the corner.

"Maybe one of these guys can re-attach it?" I said, noting a number of local regulars milling about.

"Naw, those old boys don't know nothing about nothing. I'll just take the hose inside. You go on."

This was my moment of grace. I took it. Don't ever leave behind a chance to be let off the hook.

LSU 31, Arkansas 26

This was one of my favorite games of the year in large part because of an unbelievable sequence of events that put LSU in danger, then let them off the hook, then put the pressure right back on them. LSU had just taken a 24-12 breathing room lead on a great TD catch by Early Doucet to quiet the boisterous Little Rock crowd. On Arkansas' next play from scrimmage, Darren McFadden exploded for 80 yards down the middle of the field to cut it to 24-19. At that moment, I would venture a guess that nobody in Arkansas who had borne witness to this special Razorback season had any doubt that their guys would find a way to win. That feeling lasted through the commercial break. LSU's tiny rocket-fueled return man Trindon Holliday brought back the ensuing kick-off 92 yards to make it 31-19. On the next kick-off, the Razorback's Felix Jonesstormed up the right sideline 62 yards to spark a drive that would end with Joneshimself making it 31-26.

Alas, this great contest ended with four straight Arkansas incompletions and LSU's lead held. Neither McFadden nor Jonestouched the ball again. The Tigers were off the hook.

Why not lead with USC versus Notre Dame this weekend? For one reason, USC proved that they are better than Notre Dame, not just a little better, either. The Trojans rolled in a 44-24 whipping that turned into Dwayne Jarrett's personal case for why he deserves first-team All-American honors over Jeff Samardzija. For another reason, I never want to see Charlie Weis in a hooded sweatshirt again. I would rather watch an endless loop of Houston Nutt's pained facial expressions.

Now the chattering classes will dispense with Michigan and anoint USC as the challenger to the throne. I am not sure I disagree with that assessment, although any Michigan fan would note that the Wolverines dominated Notre Dame just as much as the Trojans did (and did it on the road for good measure...). However, since the Big Ten season ends a full month before everyone else quits playing, the Michigan Wolverines may now be discarded like yesterday's cat litter. I ask you, America, wouldn't this be a little more satisfying:

1. Ohio State versus 4. SEC Champion

2. Michigan versus 3. USC

Winners meet seven days later.

Who am I kidding? The NCAA loves to completely cede our attention to the NFL for a full month. It's tradition.

Speaking of the SEC champ, Florida and Arkansas will decide that on the field (crazy, huh?) next week. The Gators went out of conference to stage a too-close-for-comfort game with Florida State, the team with an offense only a mother could love. Chris Leak was tremendous in a 21-14 Florida victory, no word on whether he was booed by his own fans watching the game at home.

Texas A&M cast off the rivalry schneid against Texas, beating the Longhorns and their vaunted rush defense for 244 yards on the ground in a 12-7 win. Quite frankly, the Aggies were the more physical and passionate team. Texas looked like a team suffering from national title hangover and may be easy pickings for whatever bowl opponent draws them. Even the fans sounded bored.?

Oklahoma will take the Longhorns' spot in the Big 12 Championship game, thank you very much. The Sooners outlasted Oklahoma State 27-21 in the latest installment of the bedlam series. The Sooners are arguably one of the nation's ten best squads and will get a chance to prove it against Nebraska, 37-14 winners over Colorado. Who says the Big Eight is dead?

Let's make a rule barring Santa from commercial advertising. Home Despot has sunk to a new low with a cynical and depressed Santa slumping home to Mrs. Claus complaining about how everyone would rather buy gifts at Home Despot as he collapses into his easy chair irritated because he can't find the remote. Oh, I get it, Santa doesn't exist to bring cheer to boys and girls, he's actually in direct competition with the corporate titan supplying us with cordless drills and portable air compressors. I get enough cynicism and depression out of following the BCS, I don't need it from holiday commercials. The only thing missing from this scene is Santa pouring a stiff drink and calling his bookie.

Speaking of bookies, would anyone take a talented but schizophrenic team coached by Tommy Bowden and lay the points in a rivalry game with an opponent coached by Steve Spurrier? Yeah, I wouldn't either. South Carolina 31, Clemson 28.

South Florida went to West Virginia and dropped a 24-19 shocker on the Mountaineers. Neither Pat White nor Steve Slaton was a major factor. So much for unstoppable.

Louisville actually went on the road to earn a big 48-24 win over Pittsburgh. Of course Pitt's defense sucks regardless of the venue, but the Cardinals were sharp. Louisville will wrap up the Big East title only if West Virginia can rebound and whip Rutgers next weekend. The Scarlet Knights continued to live the dream with a 38-7 pounding of Syracuse.

Raise your hand if you would like for your team to play Boise State in a BCS bowl. No takers? Tough. Boise State 38, Nevada 7. Welcome to Undefeatedville.

Miami upset Boston College 17-14, knocking the Eagles out of the ACC championship game. Then Hurricane management fired Larry Coker anyway. At least the Uncle Fester jokes will cease.

Wake Forest made it look easy by firing up the rushing game and running right over Maryland 38-24. Wake will play Georgia Tech next week for the conference title. Tech is not exactly riding a wave of momentum after a 15-12 loss to Georgia. The Dawgs have fashioned a decent season out of what could have been a real mess.

Ponder this: Wake, Rutgers and Boise State could all be in the same BCS line-up. Texas, Auburn and West Virginia won't be. It's a hell of a game.

A few other rivalries were contested. Virginia was no match for Va Tech. The Hokies posted a 17-0 win and could have played eight more quarters without giving up a TD to the inept Cavaliers. This just in from the "Thank God for Wake" correspondent, Nawth Klina beat Duke 45-44 on a blocked extra point attempt in a game that set football in the state back at least 50 years.

It was Tennessee 17, Kentucky 12 in a game that the Vols will gladly take after their horrendous last season. Tennessee finishes 9-3 and should play somewhere on New Year's Day.

BYU polished off Utah in one of the day's least seen, but most entertaining, games. The resurgent Mormons win the Mountain West with ease and end a five-game losing streak to the Utes.

Oregon State and Oregon played a wild one with State pulling out the win on an Alexis Serna field goal. Elsewhere in the Pac Ten, Arizona State ruined what was shaping up as a pretty nice season for Arizona with a 28-14 win over the Wildcats, who repeatedly shot themselves in the foot (or did whatever Wildcats do to hurt themselves).

Hawaii's Colt Brennan threw his 51st touchdown of the season in a 42-35 win over Purdue, who apparently did not get the memo that the Big Ten season was officially over. Maybe they were just on vacation and drummed up a pick-up game. Did any of you realize that Jerry Glanville was Hawaii's defensive coordinator? And does it upset him that all the great Polynesian linebackers end up at USC?

That last comment would earn me a rebuke from Dartmouth athletic director Josie Harper who, in contributing to the continuing wussification of America, apologized this week "sincerely" to the Native American and Dartmouth communities for an event that will "understandably offend and hurt people within our community." What was the event you ask? An invitation extended to the North Dakota Fighting Sioux hockey team. The Fighting Sioux are, of course, on the NCAA "hostile and abusive" nickname list so heaven forbid that they play on the hallowed Ivy League ice of Dartmouth. Are you kidding me? Do the members of the Sioux Nation really require an apology, much less the "Dartmouth Community?" ?If Cajuns are allowed to rage and Sooners and Cornhuskers are allowed to proudly wear nicknames that used to be pejoratives, if Mountaineers can embrace Appalachia and Rebels a lost cause, if Aggies from land grant schools across the nation can be proud of being country and not give a damn what you think about it, if Seminoles can bury a flaming spear on their home turf and Pirates defend the outer banks while the Rainbow Warriors defend the Hawaiian Islands and Blue Devils uphold the honor of the Methodist Church, if the flagship university of South Carolina can celebrate cock fighting and the state university of Idaho celebrate wanton destruction. If the paragon of all that is good about college football can for the love of God be led onto the field by a stereotypically combative Irishman, then why the hell can't the North Dakota Sioux play ice hockey? Are we offended that the Sioux routed Armstrong at Little Big Horn? Would we prefer that the Sioux be more peaceful? Perhaps we could go for nicknames like the New Mexico Architecturally Advanced Anasazi? Or are we offended that a school would actually honor the indigenous peoples of its home state long before anyone thought of building a hockey rink on campus?

What? ?

Please explain.

Impressive Showing of the Week: University of Southern California

1. Ohio State: Still waiting...

2. Michigan: Oh, but of course they aren't as good as USC. They couldn't possibly be.

3. USC: This team may be the second-best team in the nation, but they may not be. On January 8th I will sit in front of my television and watch every second of the championship game of the best sport in the world. And I will still wonder: what if?

4. LSU: The best team in the SEC won't play in the championship game.

5. Florida: Yes, I know that they beat LSU. If the Gators win the SEC title it will be hard-earned and well-deserved.

6. Arkansas: The Hogs are about a half-dozen athletes short of consistently being able to beat LSU. Of course so is just about everyone else in the country.

7. Oklahoma and Virginia Tech: Co-winners of the 2006 Nobody Wants to Play Them in a Bowl Game award.

9. Wisconsin: Having seen the Badgers three times this season, I think they are pretty good. Sadly, without having seen them play Ohio State, no one will really know just how good.

10. Rutgers and Wake Forest: The conventional wisdom may well be that these teams are not among the nation's elite, but rather very good squads having memorable seasons. Maybe, but Wake certainly whipped Maryland like a top ten team should and Rutgers has wins over both Louisville and South Florida. West Virginia can't claim either.

Believe it or not, friends, we are now nine full months away from the next full weekend of college football. Nine months until hope springs eternal, until every team has an equal shot and until every fan believes that, yes, this will be the year. I wouldn't trade the end game for anything in sports, but, as Jackson Browne once sang: "the only time that seems too short is the time that we get to play." For thousands of us, the best season is always next season.

Copyright 2006

http://www.jonestopten.com/ is powered by Quicksilver Internet Solutions. Making the Internet your domain at http://www.quicksilveris.com/.