by Adam Jones

Fear the Cheese. That's what it says on the back of the brown t-shirt from Matt's at 35^th and Cedar in Minneapolis. Apparently Matt's serves up a burger bigger than your head called the "Jucy Lucy." It's all on the shirt. My t-shirt drawer defines my entire Saturday. If my guys are playing, the burnt orange shirt from The Frisco Shop on Burnet gets the call. If not, I am prone to the black Bob Dylan shirt; it reminds me that, all external evidence to the contrary, there must be some extant rebel or poet within me. Today my guys were idle, but I honored them anyway. Their long ago win over Michigan in the 2005 Rose Bowl won me the Matt's shirt. My friend D.H. and I had bet a local t-shirt on the outcome. My team had Vince Young and his team didn't. Today his team would play in a game with much higher stakes and maybe I could bring myself to cheer for the Wolverines.

On the other hand, I thought of a friend visiting his sick father in Ohio and celebrating his own family's Ohio State/Michigan tradition, from the Buckeye side of the fence. My sum total of Big Ten friends consists of exactly one Buckeye and one Wolverine. My vicarious rooting interest thus divided, I simply decided to celebrate college football.

There was a lot to celebrate. The aerial photos of the 105,000 in Ohio Stadium were breathtaking. Michigan opened with a crisp drive to take a 7-0 lead. Ohio State answered. Then the Buckeye's splendid freshman tailback Chris Wells treated us to a coming out moment-50 yards later it was 14-7. Then Troy Smith won the Heisman Trophy.

Showing ball handling skills worthy of Maurice Cheeks, Smith made the signature play of the season by going play action, hiding the ball behind his right leg and then delivering a 39-yard strike to Ted Ginn. Not only did this move freeze the Michigan safety, two profs from the Ohio State chemistry department sprinted onto the field to carbon date the poor bastard.

But that wasn't all. Mike Hart proved to the world just exactly how tough he is and the Maize and Blue waged a second half war, making big plays on defense and playing aggressive offensive football to draw within three and force the issue on an onsides kick. They didn't get it. Ohio rejoiced.

This one lived up the hype. Count me among those who would even watch it again.

What do you think, Bo?

Ohio State 42

Michigan 39

I fell asleep later watching Cal against USC, not because it wasn't good football; I simply couldn't keep my eyes open. My subconscious didn't completely tune out until I registered a USC touchdown to make it 23-9 (Steve Smith, if my auditory cortex didn't fail me) and that's the way it ended.

Among the other contenders, no one really cares that Florida beat Western Carolina, even if the Gators did do it 62-0. Arkansas is another matter. Mississippi State gave the Razorbacks a heck of a fight. The Bulldogs even held Darren McFadden in check, well, other than that questionable decision to kick off to him, which resulted in a 92-yard TD. Is it just me, or does Arkansas return a kickoff for a touchdown every Saturday? Hogs 28, Dogs 14 as the Nuttheimers earn a trip to the SEC title game.

Does Notre Dame really need the green jerseys to beat Army? You know, Charlie, Doc Blanchard does not play for them anymore and hasn't for quite some time. Letting Heisman Default chuck the ball around the yard to Geddy Lee and Rhema McKnight should be enough. And it was. 41-9, Irish.

You know, I may re-think this whole West Virginia thing. After watching Pat White and Steve Slaton both rumble through Pitt for over 200 yards-Slaton caught passes for 130 more and White threw for over 200 just for the hell of it-I'd like to see Ohio State deal with that. Mountaineers 45, Panthers 27. Thursday night hasn't been this much fun since Seinfeld went off the air.

Last week I cheated all of you out of a legitimate top ten. Instead I threw out a top five and listed a second five teams made up of the best stories of the year. Those stories aren't so good today as all of the Feel Good Five went down to pretty ugly defeat (OK, Navy actually beat Temple. But hell, anyone can beat Temple, especially if Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada is your quarterback).

Virginia Tech introduced Wake Forest to the big time by shellacking the Deacons 27-6 and then making fun of Tim Duncan's haircut as the Wake players headed for the locker room.

Boston College clobbered Maryland by scoring three defensive touchdowns in a 38-16 laugher.

Kansas State, hot off their upset of Texas, promptly lost at Kansas. Oh my, K-State, you did not just lose at Kansas? Yep and gave the ball away six times for good measure.

But Rutgers will save the Feel Good Five. For their story is one of transcendent beauty in the ugliness of big money college football. Or something like that. Whatever magic New Jersey State had, it wasn't enough to avoid being hammered like a tourist at the end of an Irish pub crawl in a 30-11 loss to Cincinnati. "Frankly, Scarlet Knights, we don't give a damn," sayeth the Bearcats.

How much will you give me to not feature your favorite team next week? Please e-mail me your credit card information to adam@jonestopten.com

LSU needed overtime to finally put away an absolutely atrocious Ole Miss squad, 23-20. That they did this in Baton Rouge was even more puzzling. Maybe Les Miles needs to do more than his standard game plan, which consists of gathering his team and saying "Hey, JaMarcus, go win this one for us, will ya?"

Wisconsin went to 11-1 by beating Buffalo. The Badgers route to the BCS is completely and irrevocably blocked by losing one game to Michigan and not having a crack at Ohio State. Come on, America, it's not like they lost to Oregon State or anything.

Louisville doesn't lose at home. You can also get pretty good pizza at the concession stand. You would also think a stadium called Papa John would have really great restrooms, wouldn't you? Cards 31, South Florida 8.

Texas did not play on Saturday, but it is my understanding that on Sunday afternoon the Phi Delt intramural flag football team prevailed over the Longhorn secondary 45-42 mostly by using play action and the halfback pass. That and all participants had to chug a beer after each touchdown.

Auburn won their fifth straight Iron Bowl in a very hard hitting brawl. Alabama limps in at a disappointing 6-6 after the 22-15 loss.

Oregon spent, Arizona resurgent. Mike Stoops may be on to something as his Wildcats become bowl eligible with a 37-10 win at Autzen.

Rice actually has a kicker named Clark Fangmeier. Thought you'd like to know.

I guess it is sort of funny when Florida State has to hold off Western Michigan for its sixth win, but does anyone care at all about the other 27 teams that became "bowl eligible" on Saturday? Who among us waits in the ticket line for the Minnesota/South Carolina match-up?

Oklahoma slammed Baylor 36-10 behind Chris Brown's 164 rushing yards. Who is Chris Brown you ask? Well, I don't exactly know. I am assuming he's not the same guy who used to play for Colorado. It's quite possible Bob Stoops simply pulled the kid out of the stands the way the OU running game is going these days. Jim Kleinpeter of the New Orleans Times-Picayune found the whole matter offensive and dropped the Sooners eight spots on his AP ballot.

Boise State, aka the BCS' worst nightmare, ripped Utah State, aka the worst team residing in the Mountain Time Zone, 49-10.

Brigham Young, whose offensive line finally returned from a two-year stint in the jungles of Angola, won the Mountain West with a 42-17 drubbing of New Mexico.

Tennessee is not particularly humored by home losses to Vanderbilt. Behind a resurgent and sharp Erik Ainge, the Vols somewhat exorcised last year's "mail in at Neyland" with a 39-10 sinking of the Commodores.

In reader mail, a mister S. Senn notes:

Dear Mr. Jones:

 

You've probably received a couple thousand corrective e-mails by?now, but in case not, please make sure that in all future references to that gay ad you get the band straight.? Thin Lizzy, not Bachman Turner,?wrote, performed, and got the hit with?"The Boys Are Back In Town."

 

I am thoroughly embarrassed. Not only for myself, but for the rest of you who missed my mistake. That said is anyone really willing to put money on the fact that BTO and Thin Lizzy are actually different bands? Not only am I not convinced that they are different, I'm fairly certain they are the same musicians who recorded all of Bad Company's albums and then grew mullets and handlebar mustaches in the early 1980s and recorded under the name .38 Special. Think you're so smart? Prove me wrong.

Impressive Showing of the Week: Virginia Tech

1. Ohio State: It will be commented on to death during the holidays, but the 51-day wait Ohio State will endure before the BCS title game really is the most asinine feature of any major spectator sport.

2. Michigan: Let the arguments start.

3. USC: Might well jump over Michigan and I would be fine with a USC/Ohio State final. But on the football merits, I don't think John David Booty would fare well at all against Michigan's defense.

4. Arkansas: I keep going back and forth over whether or not I think Arkansas could beat USC at this point of the season. The great part about not having a playoff is that we will never find out.

5. Florida: The SEC Championship game is now set, which perfectly positions the winner to be...yet again screwed by the system. Ironic that this was Roy Kramer's idea, isn't it?

6. West Virginia or Notre Dame: Whoever had the ball last would win this one.

8. The LSU and Texas pre-season rosters loaded onto one of those new Playstations: Because on paper these two can beat anyone above. LSU just befuddles the heck out of me. Texas pass defense has been comical at times, but folks also aren't paying enough attention to some depth problems on the offensive line.

10. Wisconsin: Why do I feel like this is a lifetime achievement award? Better question: Why do I feel like the Badgers would probably lose to Oklahoma?

As Thursday approaches, I would like to give thanks to Walter Camp, who, for all practical purposes, invented modern college football. Because if he hadn't, then what would the world have done with Bo Schembechler?

God only knows.

Copyright 2006

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