by Adam Jones

There are entirely too many electronic devices in my family room. It's overwhelming. The Jonesfamily is now a TiVo family, which means I have had multiple conversations this week about connectivity with A/V receivers, cable converter boxes, HD compatibility and whether the 51 minutes Mrs. JonesTop Ten spent on hold with Time Warner would send us directly to marriage counseling. Our friend, Holly, summed up this exercise in futility when we asked her if she had undergone the same survival exercise through the electronic wilderness when she upgraded her television viewing environment.

"Hell no. I paid somebody to do it for me."

Now why didn't I think of that? Especially the week of the Texas/Oklahoma game, during which I am only to be interrupted if a meteor has been confirmed hurtling through space on a direct flight path that will hit our house-not the neighbor's house, they can fend for themselves-our house. Imagine my consternation then when, during a crucial stretch of the third quarter, a room full of adults and one ten-year old decide now would be a good time to diagnose why we aren't getting the game in high definition.

"Stop."

"It's got to be the television input..."

"Stop. Stop. STOP."

"No, no, it should be input three, not two."

Screen goes blank.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT THE (expletive deleted) GAME BACK ON THE (expletive deleted) TELEVISION SET!!!!!"

"Calm down, we have TiVo, you can see the replay."

"I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE (expletive deleted) REPLAY!!!!!"

At this moment, Z intervened. Five days shy of his eleventh birthday this boy, he of remarkable poise and clarity, my son, my friend, my partner-in-crime, calmly flipped the cable box to the HD channel series, located ABC and brought up a crystal clear picture to our family room just as Colt McCoy calmly flipped a third-down TD to Jordan Shipley.

It was if the sun had come up for the first time, as if Dorothy's house had fallen on the Wicked Witch and Oz had returned to its Technicolor brilliance, as if perfectly-smoked brisket had fallen from the heavens and an ice cold Dos Equis appeared in my hand (oh wait, that did happen, one of my friends brought it to keep me from hyperventilating...). It was as if technology would make all our lives better.

Or maybe it was just college football.

Texas 28, Oklahoma 10.

Maybe Mack Brown can win without Vince Young. It certainly helps to force five Sooner turnovers in a game where the hitting is about as hard as differential equations. Texas won despite being held to 232 yards of total offense. Both teams played possessed football and Texas made just a few more plays (and made a few less mistakes).

Just like the over-stimulation resulting from a family room that resembles the sales floor at Circuit City, there is simply too much going on in the SEC to digest it all. The television was barely warm by the time Arkansas wrote the story of the day by absolutely destroying Auburn at the line of scrimmage in a 27-10 runaway, at Jordan-Hare, no less. This Hog team with Mitch Mustain at quarterback and a healthy and fast Darren McFadden in the backfield-neither of whom contributed to the Hogs wipeout at the hands of USC earlier in the season-looks like a real player for the SEC crown.

The Arkansas highlight reel gave way to a bizarre LSU/Florida match-up where the Tigers couldn't get out of their own way, fumbling at the Gator one and making terrible decisions on special teams, the Bayou Bengals put themselves behind the eight ball and Florida took full advantage. Urban Meyer (supra-genius) inserted his "running quarterback" into the game and shocked LSU by letting Tim Tebow actually throw the ball for a couple of touchdowns, one of which, a "jump pass" to tight-end Tate Casey, came straight out of my grandfather's 1937 West Texas Teacher's College playbook. Gators 23, Tigers 10.

Georgia, obviously ticked off about two hideous offensive performances in a row, raced to a 24-7 lead on Tennessee behind clutch plays by QB Joe Tereshinski III and a player named Brannan Southerland, who apparently plays some medieval position called "fullback" with which I am unfamiliar. One would think a 17-point lead would hold up given that Georgia defends with the intensity of the U.S. Navy at the Battle of Leyte Gulf. However, the Dawgs had not counted on, nor apparently seen, a trick play devised by Tennessee called the "forward pass." In a bizarre second-half that featured back-to-back special teams TDs (Tennessee blocked punt followed by Georgia kick-off return), the Vol's Erik Ainge lit up the Bulldog secondary like so much kindling in a 51-33 Tennessee runaway.

The day featured two Cinderella stories. In the first, Wake Forest, trying to go 6-0 for the first time since the last days of the Roosevelt administration, staked a 17-3 lead over Clemson. As the fourth quarter started, Clemson's Gaines Adams made the play of the day (on a day that included the Tim Tebow jump pass and an Arkansas "squatarooskie" trick, mind you). After a botched snap on a Wake field goal attempt, the Demon Deacon holder scooped the ball up only to be confronted by Adams. Let me pause here and note that Adams is a reasonably large man. Somewhat bigger than George Wendt and somewhat smaller than Vermont, to give you a general idea. Mr. Adams basically went sumo. By that I mean he crushed the Deacon in question, one Jon Temple, with his impressive mid-section, causing the ball to pop into the air and into Mr. Adams' hands. He then went 66 yards for the touchdown as the rest of the Demon Deacons cowered in fear awaiting the return of the Seven Samurai. For an encore, Adams actually ate a Wake Forest student trainer. They were never the same after that. Wake Forest does have a beautiful stadium, however. Clemson 27, Wake Forest 17.

The slipper fit Missouri who, unlike Wake, did indeed go to 6-0 with an opportunistic 38-21 win over Texas Tech. Mizzou's Chase Daniel was solid, but he was helped tremendously by two interception returns for touchdowns by the Tiger defense. One of the returns came from Mizzou defensive end Xzavie Jackson, whose first name, played under the right circumstances, would be worth 137 points in Scrabble.?

Out west, Cal absolutely stomped the Oregon Ducks into foie gras (goose liver, duck liver, what the hell's the difference?), out rushing Oregon 235-70 and parlaying DeSean Jackson's all-around brilliance into a 45-24 win. Cal looks no more like the team that lost early to Tennessee than Arkansas looks like the team that lost to USC.

Meanwhile, USC, for the second week in a row, was taken to the last second by a team from Washington. This time, Ty Willingham's UW Huskies couldn't get a final play off in a bizarre sequence that resulted in the Trojans escaping 26-20 winners. Oh, and one strategy tip for UW: If Steve Smith splits out wide on a field goal attempt, you might want to cover him. Just in case.

The Big Ten didn't take the day off, it only seemed like it. Michigan throttled Michigan State 31-13 and Iowa did the same to Purdue, avoiding the Ohio State hangover with a surprisingly easy 47-17 rout of the Boilermakers, whose defense reeked. The Buckeyes beat Bowling Green 35-7 and, by all accounts, looked bored doing it, but I didn't actually watch the game.

Mississippi State put up somewhat of a fight against West Virginia, but Steve Slaton eventually got untracked and raced for 186 yards for the Mountaineers in a 42-14 blowout aided by a couple of late touchdowns.

Louisville beat Middle Tennessee State 44-17 in the Friday special, a programming concept that offends me deeply. What? They don't play high school football in Louisville on Friday night?

Boise State was all over La Tech, 55-17 and Nebraska unveiled a few new wrinkles in the running game in a strong outing on the road against the pests of Iowa State, winning comfortably 28-14 with ISU's last TD coming with only six ticks left. Notre Dame clobbered Stanford 31-10.

Maryland played their best game of the year and still fell short of beating Georgia Tech. This was exactly the kind of game the Jackets would have lost last year, but they gutted out a 27-23 victory.

Finally, if North Carolina State fans really want Chuck Amato gone, then he must stop beating ranked teams, particularly Florida State. The Seminoles may have hit rock bottom in a 24-17 Thursday night loss to perhaps the worst Wolfpack squad in a decade. This is not going well for the House of Bowden.

Impressive Showing of the Week: Arkansas

1. Ohio State: Michigan State, Indiana, Minnesota, Illinois, Northwestern...this is called cruise control. On the plus side, Minnesota may be the best 2-4 team in the country-how's that for spin? The rest of the Big 11 bottom feeders are good only for padding Troy Smith's remarkable completion percentage statistic. Where's Wisconsin when you need them? Not on the Buckeye schedule. Might as well dust off the Michigan films...

2. Florida: Surely Florida can't finish undefeated? They travel to Auburn next week and boy are the TigerPlainsmen going to be pissed.

3. Not Auburn: Come on, Auburn. It's not that you lost to Arkansas; it's the spectacular nature of the implosion. I'm still scratching my head over this one. How can Houston Nutt be a brilliant strategist once every three years and have the SEC think he's borderline retarded the rest of the time?

3A. Michigan: Could beat Texas and USC because of tremendous offensive balance and a D that can stand up at the point of attack.

3B. USC: Could beat Michigan and Texas because of the skill position speed and a knack for making plays on defense.

3C. Texas: Could beat USC and Michigan because of Vince Young and...oh wait a second...because the offensive line can beat just about anybody into submission and the defense is much faster than they look on tape.

6. Tennessee: I simply forgot the Vols last week, giving Notre Dame the 10 spot, which rightfully belonged to Tennessee. My apologies to all as my subconscious likely predicted a spectacular collapse against Georgia, but instead is now struggling to comprehend just how self-assured and talented former basket-case poster boy Erik Ainge appears to be. ?

7. California and Arkansas: Can we all just forget that week one ever happened? These are simply not the same teams anymore.

8. West Virginia: There's still not much basis for comparison. For example, I have no idea if WVU could win a game if forced to pass the ball against, say Michigan, in a BCS title game.

9. Louisville: Slightly better resume than West Virginia, but not as healthy. The November 2^nd match-up could be a classic.

10. Notre Dame: Although I don't know if they could beat Missouri (or LSU for that matter). I will note that the early win over Georgia Tech looks pretty good right now.

Does Florida ever get a breather? They play the game of the week yet again as they travel to Auburn. Georgia Tech goes to Clemson and Cal could have problems at Wazzu. Survival is at stake for the Virginia Tech/BC combatants and Missouri goes to Texas A&M. My favorite sleeper game is Rutgers at Navy. How many of you circled that one when the season started?

I might even TiVo it.

Copyright 2006

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