September 11, 2006

by Adam Jones

Juan was not allowed in the house without the Lone Star. We sent him back out into the traffic and noise. His task wasn't easy-three different places before he found a supplier. Who knew? But it had to be done. We were not about to trust the Longhorn fate to a freshman quarterback against a top-flight opponent. We needed the Lone Star.

That and a couple of big time plays that the Longhorns never made. The two biggest plays in the first half were both turned in by Buckeyes-one forced fumble at the goal line that constituted a fourteen-point swing against the home team and one perfect strike to Ted Ginn to break a deadlock going into halftime.

None of us felt good. We opened Lone Stars for the start of the second-half. We feared the fourth quarter would be too late. It was. Ohio State comes strong-their entire fan base relocated to downtown Austin for the weekend. I ran into two of them in a liquor store on Friday night while buying wine for a friend's birthday. They had just jumped out of a cab with the meter running.

Buckeye One: "Why are we stopping here, shouldn't we check into the hotel?"

Buckeye Two: "Dude, if we don't stop here we won't be able to drink on the way to the hotel."

Strong, I'm telling you.

Their boys showed up, as well. Texas was tough: the Horns ran the ball well, shut down the run, pressured the quarterback, shut down the OSU return game, but it wasn't enough. Anthony Gonzalez and Ted Ginn ran free too often and Troy Smith was nails. Mr. Smith, this Texan's hat is off.

All great things must come to end and sometimes you just flat get beat by the better team. That's what happened on Saturday night. Vince Young has left the building and regrettably, sadly, and with profound melancholy...

The Lone Star Drinking Club is dead.

I think we'll go with Dos Equis next.

Ohio State 24, Texas 7.

We may have learned three things this week. One is that Georgia Tech may be better than we think, although the Jacket's 38-6 win over Samford doesn't tell us that one way or another. Two is that Notre Dame may be much better than we think and three is that Penn State may be much worse.

The Irish cruised in South Bend over a pretty shaky Joe Paterno squad that the roof seemed to cave in on. Once the Irish start rolling downhill (please refrain from the Charlie Weis jokes...) they are difficult to stop. Notre Dame 41, Penn State 17.

LSU matched up with an improving Arizona squad in what looked like a difficult task. After the 45-3 rout I wondered if Les Miles just puts the Tigers on autopilot and has a cold one on the sidelines. Could the Tigers really be this talented?

Fisher DeBerry, Jesus love him, while lamenting the fact that not enough "fast" kids get into the Air Force Academy and that too many Jewish kids do, went for two with about a minute to go down 31-30 at Tennessee. Unlike most, I don't have any problem with him going for two, but, when you have the less-talented (read: "slower") football team and you are about to pull a monumental upset, can I get a better call than running the option to the wide side of the field? The Air Force fullback on the play either ran the wrong way, intentionally tried to confuse Tennessee or spotted a concessionaire price-gouging the Academy band members in desperate need of bottled water (in war time, damn it) and sprinted to their defense. In any case, without a lead blocker and facing the kinds of "skill position players" who do not get into the Air Force Academy but who do indeed suit up for the schools of the proud Southeastern Conference (other than Vanderbilt anyway) the Air Force attack was casked, aged and poured into the waterbowl of Smokey the Blue Tick Hound, who had a hot little bitch coming over that evening.

Tennessee 31, Air Force 31 (minus one for Fisher DeBerry's lack of strategic ingenuity and for being a complete nut job on occasion).

Georgia clobbered South Carolina 18-0, shutting out a Steve Spurrier-coached team for the first time since his Duke days which, not coincidentally, was the last time Steve Spurrier coached a football team with as little talent as the Gamecocks currently have on the roster.

The best team in the SEC for my money is still Auburn. The Plainsmen strummed Mississippi State 34-0, treating the Bulldogs only slightly better than the Starkville Police treated Johnny Cash. State, by the way, has yet to score this season. Shouldn't they be better than this?

Florida killed Central Florida and Michigan killed Central Michigan. It was not quite the same experience. Gator QB Chris Leak was sharp all day while Michigan's Chad Henne could no more complete a meaningful pass than Fisher DeBerry could complete a Russian novel.

West Virginia beat something called Eastern Washington (school motto: We'll Play Anyone for the Money-trust me, it sounds better in Latin) 52-3.

Louisville annihilated Temple 62-0. Temple really is a Division I program, even though no one really wants them in their conference.

Iowa should have done the same to Syracuse, but the Orangemen took the Hawkeyes (shouldn't Iowa be called the Radars?) to the limit before falling 20-14 in overtime. Drew Tate did not play, but still.

Boston College shocked Clemson by blocking an extra point in the second overtime to prevail 34-33. No one quite loses overtime games the way the Clemson Tigers do. Maybe Fisher DeBerry could send Tommy Bowden some plays.

Oklahoma broke out of an offensive slump-by that I mean they successfully executed offensive plays that did not involve Paul Thompson handing the ball to Adrian Peterson and vigorously reciting the Rosary-in the second half to run away from Washington 37-20. By the way, not ever hearing Paul Maguire call another college football game would be just fine with me. Not only is he a pompous windbag who believes college football to be an inferior product to the NFL, this idiotic three-man booth idea means the fat SOB doesn't let Brad Nessler get a word in edgewise. Maguire is like the traveling salesman on one too many expensed vodka tonics who insists on conversation at the airport bar. Shut up already. Or at least go find your buddy Joe Theisman and leave the real college football fans in peace.

Everybody enjoys a good pay-to-play game right up to the point that the payee takes a very surprising lead well into the second-half. It happens to the best of them. But Troy over Florida State??? Troy has about the same chance to beat Florida State as Fisher DeBerry has of winning the National Urban League's Voice of Tolerance Award. Troy upset Missouri last year, but c'mon, FSU has a few more athletes than just Brad Smith and the Seminoles are competently coached (well, on defense anyway). The 'Noles pulled it out 24-17, thanks in large part to Buster Davis (surprise surprise) refusing to be embarrassed and Drew Weatherford overcoming the increasingly madcap laugh riot offensive game plans proffered by the always amusing Jeff Bowden. I'm not one to immediately blame the offensive coordinator (and remember, I watch Greg Davis every Saturday) but this is ridiculous. Nepotism shall bring down the House of Bowden.

Virginia Tech, tired of reading about their re-building year, throttled Carolina, who looked just plain tired, 35-10.

Vanderbilt nearly beat Alabama, but then didn't.

Oregon won at Fresno State 31-24 and should receive extra credit for even scheduling the game in the first place. The Ducks host Oklahoma next week. Quick tip, guys: Adrian Peterson is number 28.

California, not playing an allegedly top-tier SEC team on the road in front of 100,000 maniacs, surprisingly beat an average Big Ten team at home, which was much more fun. Cal 42, Minnesota 17. Tried to think of a Golden Bear versus Golden Gopher joke, but it's just not coming to me.

Texas Tech won a wild one at the Sun Bowl by edging UTEP on a 49-yard field goal in overtime. How does one kick a 49-yard field goal in overtime? Well, it starts with a TD called back by a holding penalty, but it gets worse. On the recalled TD, Tech was also flagged for excessive celebration, which all totaled ended up being a 23-yard penalty. Putting aside the philosophical argument concerning the legitimacy of flagging a team for excessively celebrating a touchdown that was not a touchdown, but were it a touchdown, would have ended the game, in which case the officials cannot impose an excessive celebration penalty in any meaningful fashion, even if they had the inclination, which, apparently, they would have. Where was I? Oh yeah, Tech 38, UTEP 35.

Nebraska beat Nicholls State. And there was much rejoicing.

So did TCU and Arizona State and Miami and Texas A&M and Arkansas, except their versions of Nicholls State were all called something else. I'm sure everyone enjoyed the games just the same.

Most embarrassing moment of the weekend: Illinois got driven into the turf by Rutgers 33-0. Red Grange's family returned his letter jacket after the game. Can't a school with 50,000 students find at least one of them who can score against Rutgers?

In a result that may mean something, but I don't know what yet, Missouri whipped Ole Miss, 34-7.

Impressive Showing of the Week: Ohio State

1. USC: The Trojans put on a spectacular performance by not actually playing. While Ohio State seems to be a consensus number one-and the Buckeyes are certainly legit-would I favor them against USC on a neutral field? Nope.

2. Ohio State or Auburn: This is a game I would love to see and I guess it's possible we will. Ohio State needs to beat both Penn State and Iowa before September ends. Auburn gets LSU next week and goes to Florida the first week in October. Man I love this game.

4. LSU: JaMarcus Russell? Maturing as a quarterback? That's bad news for the SEC. LSU has more than a decent shot at Auburn next Saturday. Can we just play it now?

5. Notre Dame: Yes, I think the Irish would lose to all four of the teams above. That said, there is nothing wrong with the Penn State defense and Heisman Default Quinn just torched it.

6. Texas: The Horns will fall farther than this in the real polls but they shouldn't. Some of the playmakers for Texas better start, well, making plays, for this team to win the Big 12.

7. Florida: The Gators look great so far, but why does their offensive line remind me of a Jenga game?

8. Anyone but Iowa: UGLY. Drew Tate better get healthy in a hurry.

9. Georgia: South Carolina's not great on offense, but they are also not terrible. The Dawg defense is better than I originally thought.

10. Anyone but Florida State: If Tennessee wouldn't brain-lock after a big win, or if West Virginia played anyone better than my neighborhood middle school, or if Michigan wasn't Michigan...you get my point. Help me out here - how about I reserve the 10 slot for the winner of Oregon/Oklahoma?

LSU/Auburn will be a war and we also get to watch Florida/Tennessee, Michigan/Notre Dame, Oklahoma/Oregon, Miami/Louisville, Texas Tech/TCU and Nebraska/USC.

And it's only September.

-Adam Jones

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Copyright 2006 Adam Jones

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