September 5th, 2006

Written by Adam Jones

Opening day delivers us a number of traditions. We pine away for that first kickoff for a very long seven months, redeemed only by recruiting season, the major golf championships and the NBA Finals-and many of us ceased caring about professional basketball years ago. Where I grew up, opening day was accompanied by road trips and dove season, not necessarily in that order. The dove provides a symbol of peace to humanity during these troubled times. Of course, I am one who believes God wants his children to be truly happy, which is why the gentle creatures taste so freaking good wrapped in bacon and jalapenos. If it were up to me no one would enjoy this delicacy-a dove in close proximity to me and a shotgun is about as safe as the career prospects of a bail bondsman in Tallahassee or Coral Gables. But I digress (the first time this season if you are keeping score at home).

Opening day found me hidden in an upstairs bedroom at a party. This is typically behavior associated with the bowl season and the avoidance of egg nog, summer sausage and the drunken insurance agent in the corner explaining to me the benefits of term life. Actually, the party in question on Saturday was a hell of an affair-great food/drinks/company-in celebration of my sister-in-law's fortieth. Had my brother-in-law not purchased a wall-to-wall quadraphonic plasmatronic marvel of HD engineering and installed it in his bedroom for last year's Rose Bowl, I would have felt much less compelled to take in the night games. Really, what was I supposed to do? Leave it unattended? I had company. If you are of the school that the kitchen is an acceptable gathering spot for partygoers-somewhat more acceptable than the master bedroom-then I would say to you that we were killing the kitchen in terms of attendance; 11 to 8 was the final. The packed bedroom carried few rooting interests (somebody's grandfather went to Notre Dame, but that was about it), which matters not at all to the true believers.

Notre Dame and Georgia Tech put on a show. Calvin Johnson, for one, the not enough adjectives GT wideout, was spectacular, though he only found the end zone once. Sloppy at times, but always hard-hitting, the Tech defense dominated Brady "Heisman Default Vote" Quinn and his teammates right up until the last seconds of the first half when the Irish scored their first points. The second-half slugfest featured a single Notre Dame TD with an assist from a Yellowjacket personal foul (Quick note to Chan Gailey and the idiot fan who threw the water bottle: just because Phillip Wheeler didn't get his money's worth and give Quinn a concussion doesn't mean it wasn't a personal foul. It was the correct call and a dumb decision, especially considering Wheeler was Tech's second-best performer on Saturday). A crucial Georgia Tech drive died when the replay officials (the Amazing Kreskin and David Copperfield from the ACC) somehow found indisputable evidence that Calvin Johnson did not catch a third-down pass. Heisman Default played his best ball running out the clock.

Notre Dame 14, Georgia Tech 10.

USC staked a modest 16-7 lead over Arkansas in Fayettnam in the night's other big attraction. Then the Trojans got untracked and the whole affair resembled, well, last year's USC/Arkansas game. Troy only put up half a hundred in this version and delivered the Razorback starting QB job into the hands of freshman Mitch Mustain because Arkansas had little left to lose. Thoroughbreds 50, Hogs 14.

Tennessee held up the SEC's honor by delivering a backwoods butt-kicking to the boys from Berkeley. Cal's Marshawn Lynch is a great player; it would be damn nice of his teammates to do more than watch him. What a disaster both from Cal's perspective and my own-I don't know when I've ever been more wrong about a football game. Erik Ainge looks like a new man with David Cutcliffe calling the shots. It doesn't hurt that the Golden Bears' cornerbacks apparently learned to tackle from the Deion Sanders instructional video. Tennessee 35, Cal 0 (Cal actually scored 18 points, but they mattered about as much as the ones on Whose Line is it Anyway?).

The SEC secured the tiebreaker with the Pac 10 in Auburn's 40-14 bludgeoning of Wazzu, which wasn't exactly a fair fight.

Would you believe that there is not a single scholarship athlete at Northern Illinois who can cover Ted Ginn, Jr.? Ohio State's Ginn opened the season with four catches for 123 yards and two touchdowns. On one of them, he had time to read the Economist and take a short nap while the ball was in flight. NIU had their moments, most from tailback Garrett Wolfe who gained 280 combined yards due partially to him being a very good player and partially because the Buckeye defense missed more assignments than Maurice Clarett. But make no mistake, OSU could have named the score. They decided on 35-12.

Meanwhile in Longhorn country, while waiting for Ohio State's visit next week, Texas tried out a new quarterback, a new jumbotron roughly the size of Maine and Mack Brown's newly reconstructed knee. All went just swimmingly as Chuck Norris looked on from the sideline and the UT business office made sure the opponent's check cleared. Don't spend it all in one place, thanks for coming, drive safe. Texas 56, North Texas 7.

In other pay-to-play thrillers (college football's equivalent of the straight to video movie) West Virginia lit up Marshall 42-10, LSU made boudin out of their cousins from Lafayette 45-3, Iowa killed Montana 41-7, Virginia Tech slugged Northeastern 38-nada, Texas Tech blew past Southern Money 35-3, Clemson ripped Florida Atlantic (yes, that is a Division I school) 54-6 and Oregon crushed Stanford 48-10. Oh, check that last one; it's actually a conference game.

Not everything was so easy...

Adrian Peterson saved Oklahoma's bacon in a 24-17 win over UAB. If you think new QB Paul Thompson is to blame, you are incorrect. The Sooners can't block Mia Hamm and some of their vaunted defenders appeared to have taken tackling lessons from the same Deion Sanders instructional video Cal used in the off season.

Louisiana Tech's Jonathon Holland kept the Bulldogs (I think) competitive with Nebraska for a half with an amazing one-handed TD grab. Big Red asserted itself in the second half and ripped off a 49-10 laugher.

Similarly, Arizona State was not amused by a 14-14 intermission tie against Northern Arizona. The Sun Devils put on a burst to make it a more respectable 35-14 win.

Michigan State was God awful but beat Idaho anyway 27-17. Texas A&M thrashed the Citadel 35-3 and their fans weren't very happy with it. Steve Spurrier used to hang 70 on the Citadel.

My Sunday paper headlines "Sluggish Wolverines plod past Vanderbilt." I think that's a little harsh on Michigan. They didn't really plod. Shuffles past? Struggles past? Slogs? Stumbles? Tumbles? Trudges? Anyway, give Michigan some credit, Vanderbilt went to a bowl last year. Oh wait, that was Rutgers. Rutgers, for their part, beat North Carolina (didn't you used to be famous?) 21-16.

I noted in the preview that I was "intrigued" by what Dan Hawkins would do with Colorado. I am not sure that a loss to Montana State in the opener is what I had in mind. Montana State won a more-comfortable-than-it-looks 19-10 decision over the Buffaloes. Did I mention the game was in Boulder? No? Did I mention Montana State was a I-AA team? Did I mention Coach Hawkins has an embarrassing skin condition? (OK, I made the last one up).

Steve Spurrier won the first ESPN Thursday night special as South Carolina beat Mississippi State 15-0. It wasn't pretty.

Florida found their groove in the second half against Southern Miss and coasted home 34-7.

Georgia whipped Western Kentucky 48-12 as their punt returner, Mikey Henderson, thrilled the crowd by dropping the football right out of the back of the end-zone while showboating on what would have been a 64-yard punt return for a TD, but was instead a touchback for the opponents. A few minutes later, Henderson ran back a 64-yarder for a TD and held on the ball this time. So I ask you: What is more remarkable? The almost unbelievable redemption story? Or the fact that an adult man still goes by "Mikey?" Georgia needs to settle on a quarterback, by the way.

New QB Anthony Morelli was solid for Penn State in a 34-16 win over Akron. Akron's not half-bad, believe it or not.

Pittsburgh flat embarrassed Virginia 38-13. Did Al Groh really have this team in the top ten a few years back? This team has gotten bad in a hurry.

In the Sunday specials, TCU came back in the second-half to take out Baylor 17-7 (NOTE: the Baptists don't mind football on Sunday, it's the tailgating they find offensive). Ole Miss won a good one over Memphis 28-25 behind the running of BenJarvus Green-Ellis, who surprisingly only has the second-best name in the SEC. He can't really hold a candle to Tennessee's senior quarterback Jim Bob Cooter. Of course I am biased toward anyone who can squeeze Jim Bob and Cooter onto the same birth certificate. Randy Quaid clearly would get the movie role were Cooter to become a Volunteer legend, which is unlikely, since he has yet to receive a varsity letter.

In perhaps the worst moment of the weekend, Louisville's tremendous Michael Bush broke his leg in a 59-28 wipeout of Kentucky. The Cardinals can score touchdowns in bunches, but Bush is one of the reasons why.

And finally, on Monday Miami hosted Florida State in what turned into almost a replay of last year's game. At about the eight-minute mark in the third quarter ESPN flashed a graphic showing both teams with exactly one net rushing yard. If the Cane and Nole defenses played the entire season with the intensity they save for each other, no team this side of USC would have a chance against them. FSU put together some offense late in the third to pull out a 13-10 victory.?

Impressive Showing of the Week: Tennessee

1. USC: A reader criticized me for not naming a number one in the preview (told me to "grow a pair" - what is this, junior high?). OK, here you go. Better defense than last year, similar offensive production and, perhaps most importantly, not as strong a field.

2. Auburn: Presumably, LSU will have some athletes capable of tackling Kenny Irons on September 16^th. Washington State did not.

3. Texas: ...with a big asterisk. In a brilliant move, UT starting cornerback Tarell Brown got popped Monday morning on a weapons and marijuana charge. Last year the Longhorns had three solid cornerbacks and a safety, Michael Huff, who could cover any slot-receiver in the nation (including Ted Ginn, Jr.). This season? Not so much. Stay tuned.

4. Ohio State: It's quite evident the Buckeye defenders are incredibly skilled and all kinds of fast. It's also evident that they are not quite a cohesive unit. What happens when they line up against Texas?

NOTE: The odds of me doing a lick of productive work this week are about the same odds Lou Holtz of having a successful audition for the Royal Shakespeare Company.

5. Tennessee: Premature? Probably, but it wasn't just the environment that destroyed Cal on Saturday. Quite a lot of it had to do with players (e.g.: Robert Meachem) finally reminding us why every team in the SEC wanted them out of high school.

6. LSU: JaMarcus Russell was loose as a goose on Saturday. Next week Arizona will bring a substantially bigger defensive challenge.

7. Notre Dame: Don't underestimate how hard it is to beat Georgia Tech; the Yellowjackets opened last season by surprising Auburn.

8. Iowa: The answer is: Iowa at Syracuse. The question: What will be the ugliest game between two major conference opponents next week? The Orangemen need to spend the week researching turf-burn remedies.

9. Florida State: Drew Weatherford made fewer mistakes and more plays than his Miami counterpart Kyle Wright did-that will be the key to success all season for Papa Bowden. Buster Davis was the best defensive player I watched this weekend.

10. Florida: All's good so far-Southern Miss was not a lay-up. Chris Leak played well.

Oklahoma and Cal disappear and Oregon waits in the wings.

There were two heart warmers this week. While it offends me that a coach as smart, tough and classy as Turner Gill can't get a better debut gig than at the worst program in Division I, it does my heart good that Gill's Buffalo Bulls beat Temple 9-3.

Finally, Northwestern, under new head coach and Wildcat legend Pat Fitzgerald, beat Miami of Ohio 21-3 in a fitting tribute to Randy Walker, who died much too young. No, it's not always "just a game."

Next week's big story will be Ohio State at Texas-no matter what the outcome. I will aspire to report objectively on the outcome, but I am not making any promises.

Happy fortieth, K.F. You're one of the great people in this life.

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