Written by Adam Jones
Sunday, 11 September 2005

Juan knew something we didn't. He brought the Lone Star for some higher purpose. Lone Star proclaims itself the "National Beer of Texas." Although I am hard-pressed to think of any Texans I know who drink it. It's not good. Not in the way, say, horse urine is not good, but perhaps in the way Budweiser past the born on date is not good. The last time I was a regular Lone Star drinker was in college - big surprise - on Tuesday nights when Eric's Billiards on Airport had free pool from 7 to 10. Eric's gave you three different choices when it came to dollar beer: Busch, Pearl Light and Lone Star. I probably do not need to note that all came in a can. Lone Star beats the hell out of Busch. Eric's always had sports on silently while the jukebox played Dwight Yoakam's "Please, Please Baby" at least a dozen times a night. I liked Dwight Yoakam. This was when he was young and cutting edge and dating Sharon Stone. She must have never seen him without his hat.

So Lone Star fueled a lot of eight-ball at Eric's. It also boasted one of the great ad campaigns ever. "No Place but Texas" was the tag line. My high school car, a 1972 safety-vest orange and white Chevrolet Carry-All (back before they called them Suburbans and sold them for 40 large), had a Lone Star bumper sticker: "Longnecks and the Iceman, no place but Texas," a relic from when George Gervin was filling it up for the San Antonio Spurs, back, of course, before they were the World Champion San Antonio Spurs and still took themselves with a certain lack of seriousness that allowed Lone Star to become a major corporate sponsor. Billy Paultz? Lone Star guy. Tim Duncan? Not so much.

When Juan deposited the six in our fridge I was just glad to see they still made Lone Star. I had no idea what important place in history it would earn as I snobbishly opened a bottle of T.L.'s Kostriker, which is a helluva beer, by the way. But, as the Gipper would say, when the breaks are going against the boys it calls for drastic measures. The good guys were losing. The defense made stand after stand, but one more field goal by the enemy and we were cooked. Turning my hat alternately backward and forward was not having the desired effect. We needed strong medicine. We needed to commune the spirits of Lone Star. I reached in the fridge. Three remained. Ice Cold. One for me, one for T.L, one for Juan in a last ditch effort to save the day. And the tables turned.

Let me pause here. There are those among you who will say that college football superstition is just that. Cold-hearted technicians who bet against their team when they know there is a line that can't be covered. "Fire the coach" advocates who can't even enjoy their own team's success. You know the types. They will believe to their graves that heart and execution and the estimable Vince Young, who is probably the best all-around football player in the nation, won the day. They will not believe that three drinking buddies in a house in the middle of Austin had anything to do with what transpired. I know better. I know it was the Lone Star.

Texas 25, Ohio State 22.

Ohio State kicked five field goals and it was one too many. A very fast and physical Texas defense limited the Buckeye's big play potential and hung on just long enough for Vince Young to find a way to beat an OSU defense that played with heart and head and managed to frustrate the Texas attack from the second quarter on. I don't want to oversimplify, but I have never seen a game decided more by two great players trying to break each other's will: A.J. Hawk and Vince Young. This Texas fan takes his hat off to Hawk, who played one of the best games I've ever seen a linebacker play. It just wasn't enough.

There was no sleeping after that. I couldn't and, more to the point, I wouldn't - not with LSU and Arizona State slugging it out. ASU seemed to have the upper hand all night. Sam Keller picked his spots carefully and ripped an often badly positioned LSU secondary. Meanwhile, LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell was maddeningly inconsistent. LSU fans have seen this show before. Two Tiger touchdowns on blocked kicks turned the momentum - but for only so long. Keller came back and put the Sun Devils up again. On fourth and ten, with the hopes and dreams and frustrations of an entire state unfairly placed upon his shoulders, Russell rolled left. Luckily, LSU fans have also seen this show before. Shouldn't someone named "Early Doucet" catch this one for the bayou bengals? Even if, for most of the game, Early Doucet couldn't catch William Faulkner with free whiskey? He had it. He lost it. And then he had it again. Touchdown LSU.

LSU 35, Arizona State 31

Oh, by the way, the two winningest teams in college football history played Saturday. Notre Dame continued their drive back to big boy land by making the Michigan offense, of all things, look bad, in a 17-10 grinder. Michigan - highly overrated and clinging to the ten spot in this forum despite a generous #3 in the AP - also lost tailback Mike Hart. The Wolverines have problems.

And so do the Iowa Hawkeyes. I speculated in the pre-season that Iowa was the best team in the Big Ten. Iowa State apparently did not care. The Cyclones won the coveted Des Moines Athletic Foundation Cy-Hawk trophy (which, as trophies go, has roughly the visual appeal of a stuffed possum) by forcing five turnovers and beating Big Brother 23-3. Iowa lost super QB Drew Tate to a concussion in the first half; but seriously, that's no excuse. State played inspired football. U didn't. And the swarms of Cyclone students onto the field at Jack Trice Stadium proved once again that no single regular season game in any other sport inspires the faithful the way that college football does dozens of times a year.

Georgia outlasted South Carolina 17-15 in a game that made me think Georgia cared more about embarrassing Steve Spurrier than just winning the damn game. The Bulldogs looked a little too keyed up. Perhaps Spurrier still has something left in the tank; the Gamecocks shouldn't have been within two touchdowns of UGa.

Clemson staged a great comeback to take down Maryland 28-24. Georgia Tech put away a pretty game effort by Nawth Klina in a 27-21 win.

Oklahoma took the novel approach of simply not throwing the football to get past Tulsa 31-15. It was a two-point game going into the fourth when OU started handing the ball to Adrian Peterson and giggling like little girls on the sideline. 220 yards later, the Sooners safely landed with the win.

Washington's resurgence under Ty Willingham may have to wait. Cal, without their number one quarterback, made an unholy mess of the Huskies 56-17.

Purdue opened the season with a 49-21 shellacking of Akron. Remember when the MAC used to cause some problems for the Big Ten? Not this year. Penn State killed Cincinnati 42-24.

Vanderbilt beat Arkansas. It's all fun and games when Vandy beats Wake Forest, but Arkansas? That's likely to get somebody fired. The Commodores are 2-0 and can just smell the Continental Tire Micron PC John Hancock Bowl.

While this may have been the greatest week two that I can remember, there were of also some dogs. Conference mismatches like Virginia Tech 45, Duke 0 and Auburn 28, Mississipi State 0 accounted for some of the ugliness. But most of it was simply pay-to-play exhibitions: FSU 62, Citadel 10; Texas Tech 56, Florida International 3; Wisconsin 65, Temple 0; BC 44, Army 7; Fresno State 55, Weber State 17 and, if you are still reading, Florida beat Louisiana Tech 41-3.

Want embarrassments?

Try Pitt. The Panthers laid a Thursday night egg in a loss to Ohio. Not Miami, Ohio. Not Ohio State. Ohio. Where did anyone get the idea that Tyler Palko was a great college quarterback?

But it gets worse. Last week's heroes and JTT Impressive Showing of the Week honorees, TCU, dropped a rivalry game to Southern Money, 21-10. It was, naturally, SMU's first victory over a ranked opponent since returning from the death penalty. No, TCU, you are not this year's Utah.

Finally, Alabama's Tyrone Prothro did something in a football game I have never seen before - and that's 30 years worth of college football. In 'Bama's 30-21 win over Southern Miss, Prothro caught a TD around the helmet of a defensive back and held on as the DB drove him into the turf. I can't do it justice. Watch the ESPY's this year.

Impressive Showing of the Week: I want this to go to Texas or LSU so bad I can hardly stand it, but neither is the deserving team. Congratulations, Iowa State.

1. USC: Gets Arkansas next. At home. Arkansas lost to Vanderbilt. Bets on Saturday?

2. LSU: Largely outplayed by Arizona State and no, I don't think the Tigers are better than Texas. I am, however, afraid of the Early Doucet voodoo so the Tigers stay at dos.

3. Vince Young: Not fair? No, not in the sense that Texas boasts a deep roster full of difference maker players, several of whom came up big on Saturday. On the other hand, when was the last time you saw a single player seemingly will his team to win like this guy does?

4. The Winner of the Georgia/Florida Game: Assuming Florida beats Tennessee on Saturday. Welcome to the SEC, Mr. Meyer.

5. Ohio State: The defense is everything it is cracked up to be, but Jim Tressel needs to get a feel for his quarterback situation and find ways to get Ted Ginn the ball when facing equal athletes. Ginn had two drops and the Texas defense never really let him get going.

6. Virginia Tech: I'm not buying that they are the class of the ACC, but they certainly have the upper hand at QB compared to Miami and FSU.

7. The Indigenous Peoples of Florida: No division one team should be allowed to schedule the Citadel. Boston College will be a serious test for the 'Noles next weekend.

8. The Winner of the Clemson/Miami game: Yes, I am cheating but this game will determine whether Clemson is for real and whether Miami will rebound. In either case, the winner is one of the ten best in the country. That's why rankings in week two are so ridiculous. Very few teams have proven anything yet.

9. Notre Dame: Does any team have a better body of work? I would have said no, right up to the point Ohio exposed Pitt. Still, the Irish are very good.

10. Boston College: My Jesuit readers are going to kill me for Notre Dame jumping over their team. Want to do something about it? Cheer like mad for the Eagles to knock of Florida State this Saturday.

I'm exhausted. Happy. Mostly exhausted.

The Lone Star's on me.

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