Written by Adam Jones
Sunday, 27 November 2005

Santa now appears in commercials. Not as window dressing -- you know the shot at the end of a spot where he winks at the camera or you see him fly off into the night on his sled -- but as a real character. This I can't take. Santa apparently stops taking present orders at the mall to walk across to one of those slick, corporate, "how much can we get away with marking this up?" guilt-inducing jewelry stores to pick up a sapphire anniversary ring for Mrs. Claus for $499 plus tax. Now, why, I ask you, does a man who employs thousands of skilled craftsmen for basically room and board require Kay Jewelers to ensure the wife has something under the tree? It may be that things aren't so hot at the Arctic Circle for ol' Santa. He plays second banana to a goose in the last Aflac commercial. Kringle is also picking up some extra change shilling for big auto. Apparently he's got an ongoing argument with the guy in the Chevy red tag suit. Both big guys in red, both offering up all kinds of discounts, making people happy, obvious rivals. But come on, this is Santa Claus here. He's the man. And he's arguing with a guy dressed as a price tag. What's next? Jesus comparing car insurance rates?

Santa as marketing machine represents one of many trends in the Thanksgiving college football weekend. This is when the season comes full circle and one has to keep track of multiple games over multiple days, just like in week one. So what do we know now?

We know that if you aspire to greatness and you have to play against talented but underachieving opponents who hate your guts and have nothing to lose, then bringing the "A" game probably isn't a bad idea. LSU took a 10-0 lead over Arkansas and Texas went up 14-0 over Texas A&M. That's a combined 19-1 record up 24-0 over a combined 9-11 record. The next thing you know, it should be 27-3 LSU or 35-0 Texas, but that's not how it played out. True, LSU and, particularly Texas, were not sharp. Except that description does a disservice to their opponents. The Aggies and Razorbacks have two things going for them: pride -- and that is not an empty maudlin phrase in this case -- and a lot of good young athletes who haven't, for whatever reason, gelled this season. The athletes are the important part, by the way. Arkansas hung in there to make LSU work up until the last second to earn a 19-17 decision. Texas A&M threw everything but the kitchen sink -- the Aggies ran a halfback pass AND a flea-flicker -- to try and overcome Texas. The Longhorns have enough players to make just one more big play than their opponents and they finally put the game out of reach, 40-29. The best player on the field on this day, however, was Texas A&M QB Stephen McGee, as opposed to his more celebrated counterpart.

The Tigers and Longhorns move on to their championship games unscathed.

We also know their opponents. Colorado entered the weekend with the inside track at the Big 12 North title. The Buffaloes, playing atrocious football, promptly gave away the inside track in a 30-3 wipeout at the hands of Nebraska (you know, Nebraska). That set the table for Iowa State to head to Houston for the big game. All the Cyclones needed was a win over Kansas. One spectacular collapse later, Colorado backed into the title game anyway. They didn't just back in; the Buffaloes went down the fire escape, into the alley, through the service entrance, into the kitchen, past the bar, across the wait stand and into the dining room. I'll take that payday, thank you very much, Cyclones. Kansas 24, ISU 21 in the Big 12 North: "Where everyone can grow up to be 6-5."

Georgia, the Bayou Bengals' dance partner in Atlanta, had its own backyard brawl with Georgia Tech and it was rough. D.J. Shockley broke a 7-7 deadlock going 19 yards to Bryan McClendon with about three minutes to play. Bulldog safety Tim Jennings closed it out with a pick at the goal line. Georgia 14, Georgia Tech 7.

We know that if you live in Texas and don't have Game Plan, you didn't get to see the Georgia intra-stater. ABC annoys the hell out of me, but I must admit Notre Dame/Stanford was a humdinger. Despite 600 yards and change in total offense, the Irish couldn't put the Cardinal away in the swan song for Stanford Stadium. Stanford took a 31-30 lead after back-up QB T.C. Ostrander (best back-up QB name of the year, by the way) hit a 76-yard strike to Mark Bradford to the Irish four. The Cardinal scored two plays later which was bad for a number of reasons. One, I really wanted to go to bed. Two, there was no way I could make Z go to bed under the circumstances so I missed out on Father of the Year honors. Three, Stanford left waaaaaay too much time on the clock, despite Dan Fouts' idiotic comment to the contrary that ND did Stanford a "favor" by calling timeout when Stanford had first and goal with 1:51 to play. Notre Dame didn't even need a full minute to make it 38-31. Then the Irish remembered that a cardinal (no pun intended) rule of late game pass defense is not to let a back-up QB named Ostrander beat you for 76 yards because his receiver gets behind your last DB. So the 38-31 was good. And so is the $14.5 million BCS check the Irish will soon cash at the First National Bank of Screw You We're Not Sharing With Anybody Because We're Notre Dame.

We know that it can get damn cold in West Virginia. Mountaineer QB Pat White ran for 220 yards in a minus seven wind chill to dominate Pitt in the second half of a 45-13 win. West Virginia heads for warmer climes next Saturday to wrap up the Big East season against South Florida. The Mountaineers do not, however, have to win the game. South Florida's 15-10 stinker loss to UConn guaranteed West Virginia both the conference title and, cha-ching, the BCS berth.
 
We know that Florida State is just awful and they still get to play in the ACC title game. The Carnivorous Amphibians took a big bite out of the Indigenous Peoples 34-7 in the final installment of the "Urban Meyer may work out after all" tour.

We know that FSU's opponent next week, Virginia Tech, is very miffed, and maybe even perturbed that they played their worst game of the season at home against a Miami team they should have beaten. The Hokies took it out on Nawth Klina, 30-3.

We know that as schizo as Miami is, they still have got nothing on Virginia. Miami took out the Cavs 25-17 with a UVa garbage-time TD making it look more respectable.

We know that watching the Division I-AA and Division II playoffs are more interesting than staying up late to see Barry Alvarez end his final regular season with a 41-24 Wisconsin win over Hawaii. Nevertheless, Alvarez deserves a little sunshine; he resurrected Badger football.

We know that Syracuse had never gone 1-10. Until this year. Louisville 44, Syracuse 17.

We know that Rutgers will (finally) go to a bowl game after the Scarlet Knights ripped Cincy 44-9. I'm telling you, lose the "Scarlet" and change your name to "New Jersey State" and maybe you could keep this momentum going. The New Jersey State Knights is a much better college football name. Trust me.

We know that the worst Tennessee team in at least a decade is still good enough to beat Kentucky. 27-8, Vols.

We know that Adrian Peterson can still run the football. 237 yards later...Oklahoma 42, Oklahoma State 14.

Finally, we don't know a darn thing about Fresno State. Nevada (not a bad football but also not one capable of hanging with USC for sixty minutes) 38, Fresno State 35.

Impressive Showing of the Week: I have no idea. Stanford, Arkansas and Texas A&M impressed me the most and they all lost. I'll give it to Florida.

1. The Juggernaut versus the Vince Young Show: The Vince Young Show stunk it up this weekend but won anyway. The problem with being a quarterback in the Heisman race is the same problem of the age old liquor rule: buy cheap vodka because no one knows the difference, buy expensive whiskey because everyone knows the difference. Reggie Bush has an average game and no one notices, not so with Young. As for the bigger picture, both teams have had some stinkers, but undefeated is undefeated. And both still have one more game before the Rose Bowl. Stranger things have happened...

3. Penn State: Michael Robinson will be the best player not invited to the Heisman presentation.

4. LSU: Part of me can't believe the Tigers worked their way back into the top five. Good for them.

5. Ohio State: Wishing right now that the Big Ten had a championship game. Maybe they could take FSU's place in the ACC title game? It would be much more interesting.

6. Auburn: The shallow consolation prize is being named team no one would want to play if there were a playoff system. Enjoy the Citrus Bowl; you deserve better.

7. Virginia Tech: OK, OK, I finally believe again.

8. The Irish: That offense is un-freaking-believable.

9. Georgia: With Shockley at the controls the Dawgs have a very good shot at taking down LSU next Saturday.

10. Oregon: I know it's unfair, but the Ducks have zero shot at being invited to a BCS bowl. I wish someone would just say it. The commentators have to talk about something I guess.

No clever closing paragraph tonight, I am going to write Santa instead.

Bookmark/Search this post with:

delicious | digg | reddit | google | yahoo | technorati