Written by Adam Jones
Sunday, 13 November 2005

It requires some serious investigation to figure out that George Killian's Irish Red is actually a product of the Adolph Coors Company of Golden Colorado. The people of Coors type their imprimatur in a tiny font on the bottom of the back label. The rest of the bottle reminds one of the old country (Ireland, not Colorado) - or at least of what some bright marketing grads from Wharton want you to believe about the old country as you sit in front of your television set on college football Saturday. Coors peddles authenticity with Killian's. If you squint hard enough, you might actually believe that what you are drinking was made by an old Irishman named George Killian in a tiny family-run emerald isle brewery.  The people of www.ratebeer.com are not fooled of course. They don't say anything bad about Killian's - exactly - they write things like: "not bad for a Coors product," or "...obviously designed for mass consumption, but it's not offensive." May I pause here and note what a great country we live in? What other nation would have invented ratebeer.com? Granted the Australians might have, but you get my point. What was my point again? Oh yes, peddling authenticity. You can't peddle authenticity to college football fans. Ours is both the worst-marketed sport and the sport in least need of marketing. Beyond the idiocy of not having a playoff (cha-ching) ask yourself why college football is the only sport where the networks can't guarantee a national television audience for a "must-see" football game. Television made the NFL and it rescued the NBA, but college football was made long before Roone Arledge was born. We are going to go to the games regardless of the marketing campaign. Because we always have. Especially in Tuscaloosa.

LSU 16, Alabama 13

At this point in JaMarcus Russell's career, one would half expect that if a terrorist took a hostage in the press box at the Georgia Dome during the third quarter of the SEC Championship game, Russell would calmly take the poor bastard out with a perfect spiral to the forehead before the authorities could arrive. Then, after throwing a couple of picks, our hero would calmly throw a 70-yard pass in and out of the hands of Early Doucet, off the helmet of Bennie Brazell and into the chest of Dwayne Bowe falling backwards into the end zone between three Georgia defenders to win it for LSU as time expired. How many more big plays does this kid have in him? It takes an otherworldly talent to overcome Alabama's defense when all the chips are on the table. The Tide offense, on the other hand, finally caught up with them. And now, two undefeateds remain.

Texas read about the Kansas rush defense - the best (allegedly) in the nation - all week. 336 yards later...Texas 66, KU 14.

Likewise, USC spent the week reading the "returning to the scene of the last loss" angle from the local print jockeys. Yeah, well that Cal squad was a lot better than this one and that was before USC became The Juggernaut. 'SC 35, Cal 3. Oh, wait, Cal scored a TD in garbage time, make it 35-10.

For my money, Georgia and Auburn put on the show of the day. In a wildly entertaining back-and-forth - who says there is no offense in the SEC? - Auburn prevailed when the Dawg defense somehow lost Devin Aromashodu, not to be confused with Ben Obomanu, on a fourth and eleven from the Auburn 34. Aromashodu, not to be confused with Obomanu, fumbled the ball into the end zone 62 yards later, but since you can't fumble forward on fourth (say that ten times fast), the ball was marked at the point of the fumble, which was the three. Aromashodu's, not to be confused with Obomanu's, fumble actually allowed the Tigers to run out the clock before kicking a glorified extra point to win it 31-30.

Vanderbilt, Vanderbilt, Vanderbilt... When you are trying to become bowl-eligible for the first time since Joe Paterno last bought a new windbreaker, you do not lose to Kentucky.

As for Florida, I am sure that Urban Meyer is thrilled that:

a. The Gators have wins over both Tennessee (who doesn't?) and Georgia this year.

b. The offensive linemen are starting to grasp the sophistication of the spread offense.

c. The recruiting class is solid and should help build a foundation for excellence.

d. He threw all of the above away by losing to a God-awful South Carolina team coached by the one guy Florida fans still cry themselves to sleep thinking about in their darkest moments and who tends to engage in emotional and mental warfare against opposing coaches as if he were some evil clipboard-throwing concoction of Sun Tzu, Machiavelli, Cardinal Richelieu and James Carville all stuffed into a golf shirt and sweater vest and topped with a visor.

South Carolina 30, Florida 22

At least he didn't lose to Vanderbilt.

Seriously Arizona, blown out by Washington? Didn't you just have the Mike Stoops Program Defining Moment last week? 38-14 Huskies. I won't mention that it's the first time in 14 games U-Dub has won a conference game. Oh, wait a second. Yes I will.

Ohio State just flat annihilated Northwestern 48-7. That's like sucker punching Al Roker on national television while he's congratulating your grandma on her 100th birthday.

Iowa ruined Barry Alvarez' final home game at Wisconsin, 20-10. 19 net rushing yards for the Badgers, who used to be 8-1.

Michigan throttled Indiana 41-14 with a 27-point second quarter. Michigan, believe it or not, can mathematically still win the Big Ten.

Miami also had a 27-point second quarter to whip Wake 47-17. Kyle Wright threw the ball all over the yard for the Hurricanes, who forced six Demon Deacon turnovers.

TCU went to 10-1 by holding UNLV to six first downs and 157 total yards in a 51-3 beat down. I am looking forward to TCU's bowl game. How, exactly, did these guys lose to Southern Money?

Navy has not beaten Notre Dame since 1963. The Middies best shot at it was last year. Now they are going to have to wait until at least the second term of the Jenna Bush administration. At least Air Force was smart enough to take advantage of the Gerry Faust years. ND 42, Navy 21.

How many of you have paused for a stiff drink at this point while wondering what our nation will be like when Jenna Bush is president?

Colorado could have closed the deal on a Big 12 North title, but Iowa State had other ideas. The Cyclones are going to be a complete pain in the ass until some big shot athletic director wises up and pays Dan McCarney to leave Ames. 30-16, ISU.

While Colorado was finding all sorts of imaginative ways to turn the ball over in clutch moments, Texas Tech was left wondering how they could have lost to Oklahoma Freaking State. The Cowboys finally stay on eight-seconds against a top division team. Pokes 24, Raiders 17.

A Minnesota tailback ran roughshod over Michigan State for 206 yards in a 41-18 win. His name is Amir Pinnix. Not Gary Russell, not Laurence Maroney, Amir Pinnix. The kid's never going to make it; his name sounds too much like "a mere pittance." That may be the worst name I've ever heard. As for the game, I'll repeat last week's question: did Michigan State really beat Notre Dame?

West Virginia destroyed Cincinnati 38-0 in the Thursday nighter to go to 8-1. Louisville ripped Rutgers 56-5 on Friday night.

Virginia knocked off Georgia Tech 27-17. I've seen roulette wheels more predictable than UVa.

UCLA beat Arizona State 45-35, but it does nothing to expunge the Arizona game from the record.

Oregon survived Wazzu 34-31 on a last-second field goal. I had no idea WSU's Jerome Harrison is the nation's leading rusher.

Fresno State whipped Boise State 27-7 and no, the WAC champions do not have a shot against USC next weekend.

For the love of Pete, how does FSU lose to Clemson 35-14? Makes you wonder if Tommy slipped a mickey into the old man's Geritol.

Impressive Showing of the Week: Ohio State

1. The Juggernaut

Not quite 1. Texas

3. Miami

4. LSU

5. Penn State

6. Ohio State

7. Alabama

8. Auburn

9. Notre Dame

10. Georgia

That's the way I see 'em and the picture is starting to get fairly clear.

To Uncle Frank Jones, RIP, who joined the Seabees at 41 to build airstrips that largely provided the Japanese with target practice.

To Uncle Jim Silcott, who piloted landing craft in the Pacific and fought off alligators in his tent.

To Uncle Johnny Williams, who told me plenty of World War II stories my parents probably didn't approve of when I was a kid.

And to thousands of guys none of us know who would have rather been at a tailgate party but instead encountered hell beyond all our imagining on our behalf.

Thanks and happy Veteran's Day.